Thursday, January 24, 2008

Lessons I Have Yet to Learn... And all of began when boy meets girl.... Edit:  So I've been thinking lately...for the past 23 years of my existence, I've learned something new everyday.  Whether it was educational or just completely random facts...I learned something new.  And now...20 weeks into my pregnancy...I've come to a conclusion about the one lesson that I have yet to learn..Luckily and unfortunately for me...that one lesson won't be here until June (or so the Doctor's predict).

Hello Baby!

January 17, 2008

You kicked Mommy's hand last night again.  You kicked more than you did Sunday night.  Hopefully when Mommy stays at Daddy's you'll kick to show Daddy.  He feels that you are kicking me because he can't.  It's a joke between Mommy and Daddy.  I am planning on getting a 4D ultrasound done so I can get pictures of you before you actually come into the world.  I pray that I do right by you.  So many things are going through my head...

8 days into the New Year...Resolutions

Tuesday January 8, 2008

8 days into the New Year...Resolutions

So it's been 8 days into the New Year and I've finally taken time out to actually come up with some reasonable resolutions this year.

Not much has been happening. Chopped off my hair. It's now up to my chin...When I actually get into the mood to look somewhat presentable, pictures will be posted. Until then...we'll see what happens. Belly's getting bigger and bigger everyday. I'm still not used to the idea of my belly being bigger than my boobies, but I guess I'll get over it eventually. At least there are no signs of stretch marks yet so I guess that's one thing I can be happy about.

Spent New Year's alone. Had no one to give the New Year's kiss to, so I just sat at home and watched tv with my oldest sister and rubbed my belly...I actually have something to rub now!

Resolutions for the New Year...
1. Budget and Save Money...so far 8 days into the New Year and I'm kinda slacking...no fears! Will be getting back on my feet in due time.
2. Scrapbook more! Seriously...those who knows me knows that I am very passionate about scrapbooking. So this year...especially with the pregnancy, I am totally in dire need of scrapbooking my never-ending pile of photos. Not only that, but with me having a digital camera...yea...the photos continues to be never-ending. Gotta scrapbook some more Disney memorabilia, easter, the family, cruise, the pregnancy...the list just goes on and on.
3. More Nice, Less Bitch & Attitude...that one's gonna be a tough one. But, I'm working on it.
4. Let go of the past...I've come to the conclusion that holding onto every little sentimental thing is not a good thing. So last night I actually took about 2 hours and threw a good bit of memories away. Good, bad, ugly, great...a bit of everything. Chunked. In the garbage.

So far that's as much as I can come up with...Aside from soon becoming a mommy...I am trying so hard not to stress and think too much into something. Is it working? Slowly but surely. So all in all I guess it's not such a bad thing, right? We'll see...*sigh*

Day 2 of No Baby Daddy Drama

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Day 2 of No Baby Daddy Drama

So Saturday night was an eventful night.

Once again Ricky and I got into again and frankly this time I don't think there will be any getting back together with him. Sadly as that sound, I don't know if I can be with him anymore.
Apparently I'm too weak to be his woman...and he's too busy hanging with his boys to be my man.
And somewhere in my days of working and waiting for him I found time to cheat on him...hell I barely have time to sleep so how that came up that I cheated on him....yea...baffles me too
It's okay though.
As much as I may be hurting, I have multiple levels of support that is helping me through this. And I've come to the conclusion...with or without him. I will be okay ^_^

First off my family has been very surprisingly supportive of my decision to follow through with this pregnancy. I think in a sense they are disappointed that the father of the baby does not treat me right, but they are willing to stand by my side and help me through this. Especially Nhi and Kristie...they are constantly trying to tell my baby that they are going to eat him/her up...in a loving way of course...Ooo...and they steal my baby's food!!!
Secondly there are all all of my friends. Julie & Lindy both know what's going on. Then there's Nhat...he drove here to check up on me...very thoughtful of him ^_^ But I'm stuck at work so I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. He, Julie, and Hum came with me to the doctor's appointment. They waited in the room for about 2 hours with me...But that's what true friends are for. Julie was there when I heard the baby's heart beat...She was there when I got my first ultrasound...Ricky wasn't even there when I found out I was pregnant...Even after I called him and informed him of the news...

It's a shame that my ex-boyfriend, my best friend, and her husband came with me to the doctor's appointment and the baby's daddy didn't even make an attempt. I tell him ALL appointment times that I have been scheduled. Everytime I tell him, I get the same response. "Okay, I'll let my manager know that I need that day off." When that day comes around...It never fails...he doesn't go.

Apparently 8:00 AM is too early for him to wake up and accompany me to the doctor for our baby's sake. But yet, when his boy takes his little sister to New Orleans at 6:00 AM for a modeling tryout he's able to wake up and go as if it's nothing. Am I seriously missing out on something?!?!? I'm pregnant with OUR child and you can't wake up to go and see the development of OUR child at 8:00 AM cause it's too early, but yet you can go with your boy to New Orleans TWO HOURS before the time of our child's appointment...someone please help me out here!

As upset and disappointed in him as I am...I've defended him whenever anyone talked bad against him. Maybe he's right. I am a bad girlfriend. I mean all I do is go to work and come home and wait for him to get home from his boys house. I didn't realize wanting to spend time with someone I loved was a bad thing. I guess I've come to terms that I've been grasping for something that is no longer there. The love, passion, and care that he and I experienced at the beginning of our relationship (that's how ALL relationships start off) is no longer there. All that's left is hatred. As many of my peers has advised to me...time to let it go. And slowly, day by day (today is day 2) I am. It's not as easy as everyone makes it. No matter how much it's hurting me the way he treats me...I still care and love him. And more than anything if there is hope that this will work...I want it too. But there's no point in wanting that if he doesn't, right? I'm just setting myself up for disappointment...

In an attempt to speak to his sister about his actions...she responds to me that there is a way for him to be there for the baby but not for the mother. Is that really true cause last time I checked, the mommy carries the baby and then gives birth to the baby, so how can it be that he can be there for the baby...but not the mommy? Someone explain that to me. No one has no idea on how extensive the hurt I've endured ever since I've discovered I was pregnant. When I found out that I was expecting, he didn't speak to me for 2 days. Claims it was anxiety. Maybe I'm old fashioned and a romantic but somewhere along the way I thought that being involved in a relationship with someone you share your hopes, dreams, hurt, and expectations...whether good or bad with each other. So when did relationships start making you feel like shiet? I don't believe that it's fair to the mother or the child that throughout the pregnancy the father is not there to support the mother through the journey. You can't jump into daddy mode when the baby pops out...once you know that there is a life growing...you should know that there is a lifetime of responsibility that is awaiting for you in nine months. And somewhere in my itty bitty brain I was hoping that Ricky would see that...but the only thing he sees his spending time with his boys.

Before I found out about the pregnancy I could have cared less if he hanged with them...but now that I'm pregnant, I can't help but feel that he's choosing them over me and the baby...

There are so many things that are going through my mind now...Ricky had a boys name picked out and the baby was supposed to have his last name...and now...I really don't care to have the baby carry his last name. I'm hurt and upset that at this moment...I really have no wish to see him or even to have him in the room when the baby is born. That may be wrong of me for doing that...but if you are in my shoes...then you'd know why I feel that way.