December 30, 2007

Hello my baby!
Mommy has something to tell you.  And mommy does not plan on telling this to anyone else but you.  Only you are going to know the true feelings that your daddy feels for me.  If anyone else knows this, they will never allow me to go and make us a family.  I guess that's more of a reson for me to say something to others.  Do you know through, Mommy's ex boyfriend (Nhat) has been a great friend.  Even though he's not my boyfriend anymore.  I know if anything is bothering me, I can go to Nhat and he can calm me down.  Your father on the other hand, mostly makes it worse for me.  Your father thinks that I cheated on him.  I didn't, but I can't change the way your father feels.  He feels that I'm weak and that I'm not going to be a good mother.  Little does he know, I am going to be a better Mommy to you than he will be a father.  Mommy's had a few doctor's appointments that your father said he would come with me.  The day came and he never goes.  False hope huh Baby?  Don't worry.  No matter what happens with your father and I, you will always have me.  Not only that, but you'll also have Auntie Mommy and Daddy Martin, Uncle Timmy and Auntie Oanh, we don't know about your Auntie Emaly....but you have your Auntie Nhi.  I think in a sense you Auntie Nhi is more excited about you than I am.  Ha ha!   Not even here and you are already loved by so many.  Julie, Lindy, Mrs. Latimer, Mr. Morgan - So many people who has never met you, loves you.  Especially me!   No one will ever take you away from me.  I promise.  Especially not your father.  I'm sorry! Everything is happening like this.  Just know that you are loved.  It may not be from the people that I would want to love you, but it's okay.  We all care for you one way or another.

Love always,

Mommy

Happiness seems so far away...

Saturday December 29, 2007

Happiness seems so far away...

Everyone told me that the first three months are the hardest. Then it's supposed to get better. Already a month into my 2nd trimester, and I don't feel anything getting better. I find myself smiling on the outside but deep down all I really wanna do is cry. The people you expected to be there to make you smile and tell you that everything will be okay end up being the ones who is making you cry. So what are you supposed to do?
Everyday seems to go by slower and slower than the previous.

I have so many thoughts running through my head...and no one seems to understand why. Half the time I'm still trying to figure out why those thoughts are running through my mind.

I've been working full time at Cox and then helping my sister at the po-boy shop. I'm so worn out and tired and I don't know if it's due to the fact that I'm just not physically fit to work the way I am working, or if it's in regards to the pregnancy. On top of that...even though I'm trying my best to help out in any way...it's as if all I end up doing is making it worse.

I have no idea what is going through Ricky's mind when it comes to this relationship or even to this baby. He says one thing, and his actions says another. But then again, that's how everyone is at one time or another. Like he says on his myspace...In life you make choices and you don't look back...so if you don't look back then you gotta look forward, right? But how is it that you are to look forward...when it's nothing but rain clouds and despair? So many people have their own opinions when this pregnancy is concerned...

-why am I keeping this child?
-am I going to be able to support this child?
-who is going to take care of the baby when I go back to work?
-Is Ricky going to be around to help?
-why do i stress out so much?
-boy or girl?
-am I sure keeping this child is the right thing?
-what if i fail?
-what if i end up being a horrible mother?
-are you eating enough?
-are you resting enough?
-are you getting enough nutrients?

Funny thing is everyone fails to realize that I've thought it through. At this moment in time I'm just taking one day at a time and pray that things will fall into place.
As far as the relationship between Ricky and I is concerned, I know that we end up being at ends with each other more often than not...but at the same time I've come to a conclusion. with OR without him...I will be okay. Of course I'd rather be with him because I do love and care for him. I just sometimes wonder if the feeling is mutual. That is something I will never get to understand. Luckily, I've got the support of many friends and family and most importantly...I have myself. If you can't depend on yourself...who will depend on you. I have an appointment on Monday morning with the doctor. Hopefully they may be able to tell me the sex of the baby. I'm not sure if they are going to be doing an ultrasound...but I guess we'll see. Well it's getting late...and I have work in the morning.

Hope everyone has sweet dreams...

Kay & Baby

Merry Christmas Baby!

It's my 1st Christmas with you! While you're in my tummy...next year...it'll be your first Christmas!  By that time I'll get to hold you in my arms...hug you and kiss you! Along with everyone else too!  Funny huh? Technically, I'm at the end of my fourth month...five more months to go! Mommy's got a doctor's appointment Monday at 9:15 AM.  Hopefully you are developing along.  I'm so scared that I'm not eating right for the both of us.  More for you than me.  I just hope its enough nutrients for you.  I need to get on the WIC program. Start saving up the formula for you.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Boy or Girl??? What's all happened so far? Simple. I've graduated from college! (only took me five years and over 20k in tuition) and I'll be a mommy...so without futher ado... Everyone...meet  my bundle of joy.  (I am thinking of him/her as a graduation gift to myself) 3 months in counting.... So many thoughts and emotions are running through my mind.  I just wish I knew what it all means...

Mommy Wishes Baby....

HAPPY GOBBLE DAY!!!

The family went to Maba's house and we had a hot pot luck and then turduckin for dinner.  Next Thanksgiving you will be around.  Of course, you'll only be five months old but nevertheless...You'll be here.  In person.  In my arms!  In your Daddy's arms too.  Hopefully.  Daddy and I are currently at a bump in the road.  I'm not sure if it's a temporary or permanent situation...I'm truly hoping its temporary, but I guess we have to wait and see.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving ^_^ There are so many things that I am thankful for...and listing them will take forever...so I'll just cut it down to the two most important ones to me...family and friends.  I love you guys!!! And thanks for the support ^_^ Hopefully everyone's Thanksgiving was drama free... Mine was...I guess it's cause the drama happened, two days before the holiday. How am I taking it?  I'm not even sure. @ times I'm okay, and then there are times when I just want to break down and cry.  And it's not even because of him, but rather what I put myself in.  There is no one to blame but myself...and what can I do?  Everything is already on it's way, and as much support and encouragement I've received from everyone...I can't help but feel so alone.  Now that feeling, is all because of him.  But of course, he doesn't see that.  Somewhere along the way, in all my relationships...it's as if anything went wrong...I would get the blame.  Maybe now is the time that I take for myself.  First off I am finishing school.  After five years, I am finally done...granted I still have one class to finish...but I'll be walking December 7.  Secondly, there's a major change in my life...it's happened all around me, but this time...it's going to be me.  What am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to handle this?  All on my own.  Without him.  But it's these experiences that makes it so memorable right?  The fact that you handled it all on your own?  If that's the case then why do I feel like crap? Is it possible to love someone...even though you don't want to be with them???  Cause that's still a mystery for me.  How is it that 2 days prior you tell me that your mom called me too selfish for you...and that you go to your boys house to forget about me that you can still love me?

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Define Selfish Cause apparently that's what my now ex-boyfriend feels that I am being because I would like for him to spend more time with me... I didn't realize wanting to spending time with your "boyfriend" would be considered selfish. But it's okay though. Cause we are no longer together.  Good thing or bad? I don't know. I guess time will tell.

Dear Baby

Hello there little one! It's going to be a long while before you are going to read this, but it's okay.  At least you'll get to know my thoughts while you're still inside my tummy.  You are only 11 weeks old...at least according to the nurses.  The reason why I am writing to you now is to let you know the timeline.  Here are some dates for you:
October 18, 2007 - Mommy knew you exist!  I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive. 
November 18, 2007 - Mommy & Aunt Julie got to hear your heart beating!
I was very surprised at how quick your heart was beating.  Sorry your Daddy couldn't be there.  Daddy had to work.  Hopefully both Mommy & Daddy will be at the rest of the doctor's appointment within the next two weeks.  1st ultrasound and I think they have to check on some stuff for Mommy too.  Hopefully Mommy will get to see you inside my belly when I go back to the doctors.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Some Things Are Not Supposed to Be Experienced Alone... And this is one of them.  There is nothing in the world that can comfort you like that of someone that you love and knowing that they love you back.  Knowing that every second you are thinking of them and they are thinking of you...but why is it that sometimes it seems like you love that person more than they love you? There are times when all I wish to do is sit and cry.  And think that  someone will be there to comfort me and not yell at me because I'm being emotional.  If you were going through what I'm going through, you'd be emotional too...but nope.  All he seems to do is say I'm too weak.  You  have no idea how it feels until you've been through it. With the recent events it's as if the decision that I've made in my life...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

When Do you Know that the Decision is the Right one?!?! So...I've encountered a major point in my life and I made my decision.  And now, I have no idea if that's the right one.  So how do you know that the decision is the right one for you? There are so many people that tell me one thing and then they end up doing another. Which one am I supposed to believe?  The fact that they tell me, or do I look towards their actions louder?!? I have two more months of school.  TWO! And now is the worst time in my life to stress.  Everything is just starting to go up...and then it all goes down.  When the person you thought you could depend on the most...wait...lemme rephrase that.  The person that you need to depend on the most is the one to let you down the worst.  But that's okay. Maybe with this lesson it's what I need to confirm that I don't need him.  But yet there's a part of me that still holds on.  So what am I to do? Is there anyone out there who can tell me? Or advise me? Cause I'm totally at a loss of words. I'm hungry, and I don't care to eat.  I'm tired, but I can't sleep.  So what am I supposed to do? Metro is happening this Saturday.  And with only 3 days away, I really don't feel like going anymore.  This whole weather change...it's taking a huge ass toll on me >_<  I think I'm starting to get sick.  Time to bundle up. It's getting cold outside.