Father's Day

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Dear Serenity,
What can I say? Your Daddy is a character. Here is a picture that I happen to find.

There is NO WAY that anyone can look at you and see you with your Daddy, and say that you are not his.
I DARE him to tell me that you are not his now. That was one flaw that your Daddy never got over.  Whenever we would get into an argument he would tell me that you were not his daughter. I never fought back on it cause he knew well enough that you are. So what would I tell him? Simple, if he feels that you are not his, then DON'T bother us anymore. Of course, he knows he's your Daddy. What can he say now? Nothing.

I wonder if I am the only one who sits and wonder...I hope that as time goes by that everything between your Daddy and I will get better. I don't think that is the case. Maybe I'm hoping for something short of a miracle. Is it maybe because only one of us is happy? If your Daddy is truly happy would he still be this bitter towards me? Who knows right? someone told me that even if he was happy, there can still be resentful towards me. Just know that this has nothing to do with you. It's just sad that you really can't depend on your father for anything. This is the time that you need him the most.

You are starting to learn the alphabet.  Its kind of cut.  We have a little ritual u and I.  I would lay with you in bed and I would sing the abc while you fall asleep. Instead of finishing up the song singing, "now know my abcs, next time you sing with me" you and sing "now we've sung our abcs, its time to close our eyes and go to sleep." You've picked up on it and when I ask you to sing for me you are too cute for words.  As you can see, the video is my proof of you singing.  This is some good blackmail stuff wouldn't you say? Just know that I love you!!!

Secret Life of American Teenager

Wednesday June 22, 2011

Dear Serenity,
Now going on it's 4th season, I am catching up on an ABC Family's original series, "The Secret Life of an American Teenager."  Basically, teens in high school getting pregnant and making wrong decisions that is life changing...I hope that when you get older, this series is available for you to watch. Probably won't be, but thank goodness for DVD's.  I'll make sure to have a copy of it on hand for you so that you can watch it when you get older. 

One of the episodes tonight was actually really sad.  I cried.  But anyways! Let Mommy recap what happens.

Amy & Ricky = have sex, have John.
Amy & Ricky breaks up
Amy dates Ben
Ricky some what sorta dates Adrian
Somewhere along the line Amy & Ricky tries to get back together.
In response to them getting back together Adrian & Ben sleep together.
Adrian gets pregnant with Ben's child
Adrian & Ben gets married
And this is where I am currently at.

Adrian was 36 weeks along in the pregnancy.  She woke up @ 4:30 AM one morning, and it seemed something was wrong, but she brushed it off.  The next morning they went to the hospital...Adrian lost the baby. And this my baby girl, I lost it. I started crying.

Maybe it was the fact that I sat there and thought about what it was like to be pregnant with you inside of me. And to actually carry a baby that far into the pregnancy and lose you, that is a pain I don't think I can ever bear.  I know of others who has lost...but I have never ever been through that.   Not in that way, and in a sense, I don't know what I would do. Or even what I could say.

Just thinking, what if it was us?
How different would it be?
How different would it have been for your father?
How different would it have been for me?
How different would it have been for everyone?
Thank goodness, I will never know that feeling of what would have been...

And now, even if I could go back and re do it, I wouldn't change anything.
All the fights, arguments, tears and sorrow.
None of it.
All of that I endured made one thing clear to me.
No matter what your father did to me or to us,
It will not change how I feel about you. Not now, not ever.

Now, I am going to tell you this and you probably think I am lying.
But....when you grow older. We are going to probably argue. 
But just know, I bicker because I care.
I yell because I love you.
I correct you because you are my life.
There will be plenty of times that we will not agree...but it will never ever change the fact that you are my daughter, and I am your mother.
And we can't forget the fact that I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
No matter what.

With you, I have experienced the best and worst times of my life.
The past three years have been something I will never ever change.
And for eternity to come, it's something I am very much looking forward to.
I've said it before I'm sure, and I will say it again...
I pray that I am doing everything right for you. I hope that you are aware of that.
You will know this when you become a mother, children don't come with instruction manual.
And I'm starting to think that even if you did, it wouldn't be much help.

Regardless of what may come and what has happened so far in our lives...

Remember one thing.  I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU,

Forever and always,
Mommy

He Should Do Better for You

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Dear Serenity,
It is now 3:40 AM and Mommy is having a horrible time trying to sleep.
You on the other hand, have been wonderfully sleeping in your own room. For most of the time. And as long as we make that effort, I'm fine.

For the past few weeks you've been coughing and in your sleep, sometimes you would spit up.
This also happened while you were with your father.
However, yesterday he texted me and asked me how you were doing. And then he proceeds to ask me if I am allowing you to throw up on yourself. Nice of your father, isn't it?
So I replied, letting him know that you have gotten better. You were still coughing every now and then, And since he owed you some more money I asked if he has it.  He told me no. And told me to call the police.  Actually, let me quote you directly what was he text to me...

No I don't have it yet. You can call the police if you like I don't mind.

I'm wondering if he realizes that if that happens, he won't see you.  Last I heard, he had a job interview with De'Angelos. Don't know if he was hired or what, but I won't be surprised it he isn't.
I just don't understand what is going on in your father's head.
Does he want to be a part of your life and not do anything that involves financially take care of you?
He's not impaired in any way to the point where he can't work, your grandmother is helping out with living expenses, but yet he still can't get any money together for you?
I just wish I knew what is on his mind. Better yet, I wish he'd make up his mind.
He says that I moved on with no regards to his feelings. Hell, he treated us like shit with no regards to our feelings for the majority of the time we were together...Is it bad that I have no sympathy towards your father? He says he loves you, and as I'm pretty sure I've stated before, I have no doubt that he does...but how can you claim you love your child, and go for so long without wanting to know how your child is doing? That is one thing that I can never forgive your father for doing that to you. For 9 months he wanted nothing to do with you. So he came back for 2 months and everything some what went back to normal...and then the same thing. Seemed like he only wanted to be around when it was convenient for him and any child deserves better than that.  I can assure you baby girl, no matter what may happen, NO ONE will ever make it to where I will not be able to see you.  I will fight for it till my last breath.  I would have figured that if your father loves you like he claims, he would want to do more for you.  But I guess not. 

I am sorry Baby girl. I hope that when you grow up, you realize that I have been doing my best when it comes to you.  I wish that I could get you everything you want and more, but right now, times are very rough for me.  Maybe it's cause I see what I have done for you and what he has NOT done for you and it makes me feel that he should do better.  It's kinda funny though because when I initially told him that in order for him to see you without me, he would need to have it court ordered, he told me that he would rather go have a child with someone else and be a father to THAT child.  When I see that happen, I'll believe it.  He can't even be a proper father to his one child now, and he wanted to have another child? I will never understand that.  But I guess that's not something for me to understand. Maybe one day I will get lucky and I will get it, but I think that will be impossible. It's a shame your father can't get your name right either.  Your last name is Nguyen. Not Lovan. He needs to get that etched into his head somewhere.

This accident I got into has been kicking me in the behind, and all I can say is THANK GOD you were not in the car with that morning.  Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if you were in the car with me.  It's just bad that I have the tendency to think worst case scenarios :( 

On the upside, we driving to Daddy Moon's house and you and I recited the WHOLE alphabet! I think I am going to start working with you a few hours every evening with letter recognition and numbers. We can start with letters first. Every week we can do one letter. Help Mommy get a head start on her teaching skills :)

Mommy loves you Serenity.

Hugs and kisses,
Forever and always,
Mommy

My Wish for You

Friday, June 10, 2011

My baby girl.
I pray that when you are older, your friends are true to you.
I hope that all goes well for you.
I hope that you do not trust as easily as mommy.
If you trust, then be careful with who you place your trust to.
Trust is very easily lost, and once that trust is gone, it is hard to get back.
I hope that you do not get mistreated.

However, no matter what may happen, there are times when you will encounter those who will be cruel to you.
No matter what, just know that I love you.
Do not let anyone bring you down.
And if by chance that may occur, just know that you deserve better.
Don't open your heart too easily.
BUT, in the words of your aunt Brenda, don't be closed off to all the possibilities.

As you grow older, you will realize that there are some sayings that will make you ponder as the time flies by.
And you will learn something new EVERYDAY.
Even to this day, that is true.
I learned something new recently.
People are not who you think they are. I've actually noticed that more than I want to, but it's just finally kicking in. 
So I hope and pray that as you grow, your generation definition of friendship upholds it better cause it seems as though some of Mommy's so-called friends, aren't friends after all.
And it's one of those life lessons that you learn and move on.  Why?
Because life goes on.
Friends come and go.  And if you consider them your friend and they truly aren't, then oh well.
Let it be. 

I can see now that you will have no problems with obtaining friends.
Somewhere I think that's the case for everyone...but its a matter of keeping them that shows a true friendship.

I am sure that I am not the only one that will tell you this and even though I do teach these "life lessons" to you, it is one of those things that I know I cannot always protect you from.

So when this "life lesson" comes around, be strong.
Let by gones be by gones, and know when to walk away.
If you consider them your friend, and they hurt you, you will know then you were never friends to begin with.
And if that shows to be the case, then if they are capable of doing it to you, then they are capable of doing it others.
Funny how life works.
One minutes you can be happy and the next you can be sad.

So, my wish for you is to live happily.
Whether you do it by yourself or with your friends, never let anyone bring you down to the point that you cannot find your happiness. 
Thanks to you, I have always been able to find mine.
And for that I am forever grateful.

Hugs and kisses likes always,
Mommy

Happy Golden Birthday!!!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear Serenity!
Happy birthday to you!

Your birthday has just began! And you have already left me :(
It's okay though. It's for a good cause. It's for Auntie Emaly's wedding in Houston.
Auntie Mommy, Grandma, Grandpa, Veronica, Bianca, and yourself...all on your way.

Your Daddy also wishes you a Happy Birthday.
He actually wished it yesterday.
After he texted to let me know he had some money for you.
I'm very surprised at what your Daddy is doing. He's actually making an effort.
Could he be doing much more? Of course. But I'm not going to push for a mile when he's only giving us an inch. Or however that saying goes...

For example, he's been keeping up his end of the court order to see you every other weekend from Friday to Sunday.  Amazingly, he's been late picking you up since the order was set, but on the upside, he's brought you back on time so far.  Not only that, but last weekend when you were with him, you were not in the best of moods.
Apparently you were sick. You ended up getting a fever, and your Daddy was steadily giving you Benedryl. (Of course, this is AFTER I texted him to let him know you would need some children's tylenol and motrin since you've been getting sick easily with the weather changing and all.  I guess even know your Daddy still doesn't believe me)  He wanted me to give him your insurance information so he can take you to the hospital.  Oh, I've been down this road with you before. No need for the hospital.  Heck, Moon stayed up till 3 AM one night to make sure you broke your fever!  So, I told your Daddy, you are not to be taken to the hospital.  You just needed the correct medicine. 
This was at 2:00 AM.  I had the medicine available, and so Moon and I drove to your Daddy's place.
When we got there, I entered your Daddy's apartment.  To be honest, I'm surprised how little the place is.  Of course, it's really quaint, but really small.  After about 10 steps you would reach the end of the apartment.  All your Daddy had was a couch and your playhouse in the living room...and in the bedroom a dresser, a cabinet of some sort, and 2 tvs.  You were on the bed with only your diapers on.  Your Daddy and Thelma had been trying to cool you down with some wet napkins and towels. 
I showed your Daddy the correct dosage you would need, and right away you started to be yourself.  You grabbed the crayons and your bag.  You grabbed the flash cards. You colored with Mommy and Daddy.  You were my princess running and laughing again. 

To tell you the truth baby girl, I didn't know what to expect whenever I entered your Daddy's apartment.  I must say, I am surprised to see how much you love him...and unfortunately, lucky for your Daddy, you are too young to realized what exactly happened and why it happened the way it did.  Of course, the past is the past and learn to forgive.  But I will never forget.  Too bad though.  What you won't remember, I won't forget.

Although I must say, if your Daddy messes this up now...it's all on him.  I paid for the paperwork and the lawyer.  All he has to do now is fork over some money for you and show up to get you and drop you off every other weekend.  YAY!  The first time you went with Daddy, you cried when you came home.  However, the 2nd time you went and came home, you were okay.  You asked about your Daddy both times, but it's expected I guess.  I'm sure Daddy spoils you when you are with him while I scold you and do not let you get your way.  Just remember, when you have your own kids, you will thank me later.  I have a looonnngg way before that ever happens! Thank goodness!

I hope that both of our dreams and wishes come true. And I am so looking forward to many many more years with you.  No matter how old you may get, just remember a few things:
-I am your mother
-I will love you like no other
-You will always be my little Princess
-You will not always get it your way.  I am not Burger King.
-Your Daddy loves you very much
-All your aunts and uncles love you too
-So does your cousins!
-And if you were to have a sibling, they would love you too.

It's been an hour since you've left with them for Houston. 
I will be hoping that tomorrow goes by quick so that I get to see your smiling face and hear you asking me to pick you up or that you want sprite...or ice cream...or all the above.

Hugs and Kisses forever and always,

Mommy