Wednesday June 22, 2011
Dear Serenity,
Now going on it's 4th season, I am catching up on an ABC Family's original series, "The Secret Life of an American Teenager." Basically, teens in high school getting pregnant and making wrong decisions that is life changing...I hope that when you get older, this series is available for you to watch. Probably won't be, but thank goodness for DVD's. I'll make sure to have a copy of it on hand for you so that you can watch it when you get older.
One of the episodes tonight was actually really sad. I cried. But anyways! Let Mommy recap what happens.
Amy & Ricky = have sex, have John.
Amy & Ricky breaks up
Amy dates Ben
Ricky some what sorta dates Adrian
Somewhere along the line Amy & Ricky tries to get back together.
In response to them getting back together Adrian & Ben sleep together.
Adrian gets pregnant with Ben's child
Adrian & Ben gets married
And this is where I am currently at.
Adrian was 36 weeks along in the pregnancy. She woke up @ 4:30 AM one morning, and it seemed something was wrong, but she brushed it off. The next morning they went to the hospital...Adrian lost the baby. And this my baby girl, I lost it. I started crying.
Maybe it was the fact that I sat there and thought about what it was like to be pregnant with you inside of me. And to actually carry a baby that far into the pregnancy and lose you, that is a pain I don't think I can ever bear. I know of others who has lost...but I have never ever been through that. Not in that way, and in a sense, I don't know what I would do. Or even what I could say.
Just thinking, what if it was us?
How different would it be?
How different would it have been for your father?
How different would it have been for me?
How different would it have been for everyone?
Thank goodness, I will never know that feeling of what would have been...
And now, even if I could go back and re do it, I wouldn't change anything.
All the fights, arguments, tears and sorrow.
None of it.
All of that I endured made one thing clear to me.
No matter what your father did to me or to us,
It will not change how I feel about you. Not now, not ever.
Now, I am going to tell you this and you probably think I am lying.
But....when you grow older. We are going to probably argue.
But just know, I bicker because I care.
I yell because I love you.
I correct you because you are my life.
There will be plenty of times that we will not agree...but it will never ever change the fact that you are my daughter, and I am your mother.
And we can't forget the fact that I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
No matter what.
With you, I have experienced the best and worst times of my life.
The past three years have been something I will never ever change.
And for eternity to come, it's something I am very much looking forward to.
I've said it before I'm sure, and I will say it again...
I pray that I am doing everything right for you. I hope that you are aware of that.
You will know this when you become a mother, children don't come with instruction manual.
And I'm starting to think that even if you did, it wouldn't be much help.
Regardless of what may come and what has happened so far in our lives...
Remember one thing. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU,
Forever and always,
Mommy
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