Sunday, November 7, 2010

Dear Serenity,

You are now 2 years old and you are such a rambunctious child.
You are so smart and curious about everything.
I hope that I am able to be the best that I can for you and to teach you not to make the same mistakes I have.

Mommy has made plenty of stupid decisions.
And for the most part those decisions @ the time is what was best for me.
I don't expect anyone to understand or try to comprehend what I was going through or what was on my mind,
but I can assure you that all decisions were thoroughly thought through.
For example, your name.  Your Daddy and I had our ups and down through out the pregnancy, and after one too many arguments and missed baby classes and doctor appointments I decided that you would carry my name and my name only.
I hope you know that I had your name picked out ever since I was 15 years old...Mommy would wake up in the mornings and watch early morning cartoons. Sailormoon would come on @ 5:30 or 6:00...And that's where I got your name from. Mommy was a Sailormoon fanatic...actually I still am :) but thats besides the point.

You are a very determined little child. But maybe its cause you're very curious.
Or maybe cause you're stubborn and hard-headed? Lord knows both your father and I are. LoL
You are now very sneaky.
When you want something from me and I say no, your run to Grandpa or Grandma.
When you want something from them and they say no, you run to me.
Do you honestly think we don't know?! I'm your mother! HELLO!

But still...I'm not going to lie. You are really something else.
You love staying up late @ night with me.
You love Finding Nemo...I hope you dont ruin the disc for playing it so much >_<
You love your cousin Bianca. Even though you guys take turns hitting each other on the head and pulling each others hair. And you constantly fight over one another water cup...I'm guessing thats how you show your love to one another.
You are aware of when you fall down. And @ times you PURPOSELY fall down and look @ me...giggle and say "MOMMY I FALL DOWN!" and you get up...and repeat.
When I ask you where you're hair is, you pull your hair.
When I ask you where you're eyes are, you poke at your eyes (I pray you dont hurt yourself...hahah)
When I ask about your nose, you point to your nose.
When I ask about your teeth, mouth, hands, and feet, you show me.
You love the ipod touch that Gogo bought Mommy.  yea...its more yours than mine.
You wont even let me touch it! If I get that ipod touch with the facetime...YOU ARE NOT TOUCHING IT. Even if you start crying. well...that depends on how hard you cry...I'll think about it. hahah

I know that there have been a lot of things that is going on in Mommy's life right now, just know that you are still number 1 in my life. There is not a second that goes by of everyday that when I'm not with you that you are not on my mind. I wonder how to be a better mother or wonder about the future and what it holds in store for us. I hope that you will be able to proud of me just like I am proud of you.

I had to learn this the hard way, but I will never ever regret any decision I have made.
Why?
Because each of those decisions got me you.
And NOTHING will ever change that.
And even if I had the opportunity or a 2nd chance to do over anything...I wouldn't.

Loving you forever and always, baby girl :)

Sunday, October 31, 2010 at 9:31pm

Much Needed Advice from Oprah
"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. if he doesnt want you, nothing can make him stay. stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour. allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. stop trying to change yourself for a relationship thats not meant to be. slower is better. never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. if a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you cant "be friends". a friend wouldnt mistreat a friend. dont settle. if you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. dont stay because you think "it will get better". you'll be mad at yourself a year later for saying when things are not better. the only person you can control in a relationship is you. avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. he didnt marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? always have your own set of friends, separate from his. maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. if something bothers you, speak up. never let a man know everything. he will use it against you later. you cannot change a man's behaviour. change comes from within. dont ever make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. do not make him into a quasi-god. he is a man, nothing more-nothing less. never let a man define who you are. never borrow someone else's man. if he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. a man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. all men are not dogs. you should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two-way street. you need time to heal between relationships. there is nothing cute about baggage. deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. you should never look for someone to complete you... a relationship consists of two whole individuals. look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. dating is fun... even if he doesnt turn out to be mr.right. make him miss you sometimes... when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. never move into his mother's house. never co-sign for a man. dont fully commit to a man who doesnt give you everything that you need. keep him in your radar but get to know others. share this with other women and men (just so they know)... you'll make someone smile, another rethink his/her choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware." -oprah-


**My friend David sent this to me 4 years ago...** 

Sunday, October 24, 2010  

Nothing I do Seems to Be Right

 I work Monday - Friday from 8 AM - 8 PM

I have Saturdays and Sundays off that I spend with Serenity during the day and night time I take time for my self occasionally.

I went through elementary, middle, and high school where no one really gave a rats ass about me because there were others they worried about more than me.

I left for Disney and had the best and worst experience of my life there and came home,
still went to work full time and school full time...

I graduated from college with NO ONE from family being there to cheer me on as I walked across the stage.
But it didnt matter, cause no matter what I do it's never right

I have a stable job that pays my bills.
My parents offer to help me with Serenity and then they hold it over my head saying I'm not a good enough mother.
It's funny though cause others will leave their child with others and fly out of town for a weekend and they dont say shit...but its always me.

It's funny all you see is what I dont do for Serenity. But do you see what I am doing for my daughter?
I didnt drop out of college when i found out i was pregnant.
I was the first in our family to graduate from college....
I continued to work both Cox and the poboy shop and IN school the entire time.
I went through ups and downs with Ricky and oddly enough the people I needed to comfort me the most was the one who sat there and criticize me and bitch at me.
There was no, it'll be okay. There was you're stupid. Why him when he cant treat you right. Why cant you say the good things?
Do you always have to point out the bad? Do you think I'm that stupid to NOT see it? Everyone is a saint and does everything right but me. I'm the worst there ever is.

I finally see it.  I am not the best daughter in the world. I'm the crappiest mother that ever lived...and frankly...I can say sorry for the rest of my life...and you won't give a care.
So why say sorry for?
Serenity cries and I try to comfort her, and she doesnt stop crying.
So you think you can do better...you take her and guess what she still cries.
Babies didnt come with a booklet of instructions....life didn't come with a booklet of instructions.
I never said anything about all the times you were never there for me...
so why would you sit there and say shit to me like you know what is going through my life.

No one has any idea what is going through my head or everything i've been through in my life.
No one knows what happened...no one understands my decisions...
and frankly i'm not asking anyone to understand my decision.

its sucks that outsiders can see me hurting and ask me whats wrong and yet some thinks im just being overdramatic.

i'm a bitch. i'll be the first to admit.
but until youve been through what ive been through
made the decisions ive made...who are you to judge?

everyone has lived a tough life...others handle it differently.

sorry i dont handle it the way you do
sorry i dont have the dreams and goals that you have for me
sorry i'm not the perfect daughter or sibling
sorry im not the perfect mother to my daughter
but mostly, sorry for not giving a rats ass cause you dont give a rats ass about me.
whats worst...you dont even see it.
funny how life works out.

 

Friday, October 15, 2010

Dear Serenity,

I guess now is better than any other to tell you about the day you were born.

Daddy picked me and grandma up from grandma's house and we made it to the hospital for 5:30 AM on June 3rd, 2008.
We went up to the room and I got settled in.
The connected the meds and stuff that was needed to start the labor.
I was able to feel the contractions...I barely dilated...after 7 hours I was only dilated a few centimeters. So @ 12:30 PM they broke the water bag and after that whenever the contractions came I was starting to feel the pain come more and more intense...by 2:30 PM I was in so much pain. They gave me some pain medicine and I took a nap and eventually the contractions were way too intense I had to get the epidural.
Honestly, that was the best decision I have made in my life!
@ 6:00 they administered the epidural.  I was at 4 centimeters...an hour after the epidural, I was fully dilated and ready to go.
I had to stall for a bit cause your auntie Cathy was on her from the poboy shop. When she arrived, we were ready to bring you into the world.
Dr. Aycock started to have me push and stop. Push and stop. Push and stop...push push push push push...and out you came. Head full of hair and all.
It was kinda funny cause when the epidural was finally working its magic...I was laying in the bed texting everyone
that was amazing.
in labor and still giving updates...
And when you came....Daddy had to cut your umbilical cord.  Took him 3 tries to do it...I wish the nurse had a picture of your face. It was priceless. Unfortunately all she got was the scissor and the umbilical cord.

You only took 14 hours and 20 minutes to grace us with your presence.
And as you grew older I couldnt wait for your next milestone.
I remembered you would just lay in bed.
and stare at me.
I would wonder what you were thinking.
Then you started to roll over...
When that happened i waited for you crawl.
Once you were able to crawl I waited for you to walk.
You walked for Daddy before you walked for me.
And now your running...
I'm going to keep up with you if its the last thing I do.

Okay...its time we watch finding Nemo.
Mommy loves you :)

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dear Serenity,

First off, YOU are my life.
And I figured now would be just as good as any other to tell you of Mommy and Daddy.

Mommy and Daddy met in 2007. April. I had skipped class and I met your father at Rave...we had lunch @ Raising Cane's in the mall. Of course I did most of the talking. We took a trip to the LSU lakes and just hung out. And pretty much ever since then we were spending everyday together.
Mommy and Daddy had ups and downs before I found out I was pregnant with you.  Daddy didnt speak to Mommy for two days. And when he came around I thought that we would be one big happy family. But that wasnt the case.
Maybe Daddy got nervous...Mommy's hormones...but there were many times through the pregnancy that I needed him by myside...and he wasnt. For someone who was pregnant I felt so alone. And in a way I think that is one of the reasons why your father and I are not together.  We all make mistakes. We all grow up. We all forgive....but unfortunately I cant forget. Even with this mommy brain sympton I have.  I remember I called your daddy to tell him about the doctor appointments...and he said he would show up. Your aunt Julie came with  me the first time I heard your heartbeat. It was a shame your daddy wasnt there to share the excitement with me that day.  Even my exboyfriend drove from Houston to wait in the waiting room with me for an hour just so I can get my check up that lasted 15 minutes.  Your aunt Julie & uncle Hum was there that day too...The baby classes...your daddy never came. He came once to find out that you were a girl...and then when you finally came.

June 3, 2008...@ 5:30 we were already admitted into the delivery room...and from there through June 8th...Daddy stayed with us.  After that when you came home...He came over everyday for the first 2 weeks....then he would cut back and come every other day...then a 3 days...and eventually i think it dwindled down to once a week.  The 2nd and 3rd month you spent time with daddy while mommy work and you were spending time with Taylor's grandmother too....
One night when you were a few months old, you were so upset. You didnt sleep. You  just cried. And @ 5 AM we left your daddy's place to go back to my house.

So many people told me that it was better if I didnt not try to make things work with your daddy....and I still tried. Lord knows I don't cook...Your aunt Minie and I spent over 6 hours getting dinner ready one night...after dinner your daddy went to see your uncle and told us he would be home shortly...he never came home.

There are great people in the world that does stupid things and make stupid decisions. And guess what....we cant change them. They have to want to change for themselves.

There were plenty of times that passed by and I thought that your daddy and I would be a happy couple and with you a great and happy family. Unfortunately...I got fed up with all the stuff I was going through...and your daddy at one point thought that all I wanted was money from him. Which is kinda ironic since I was the one with the stable job @ the time.

We tried to be friends and when I met Darren your father wanted nothing to do with us. For 9 months we never heard from him. Text, call, email...nothing.  When he found out that grandmother was moving, he made an attempt to see you and we tried it again. And that was an epic fail.

Maybe it was my fault that things are the way they are....but somewhere I KNOW that I did everything I can to make it work between your daddy and I and unfortunately, too little too late. You are now 2 years old and you are such an energetic baby.

You love your cousin Bianca and you love going through my scrapbook stuff.  Your face lights up when you see the printer printing...you can unlock and iphone/ipod touch/ipad like a pro...when you smile you light up my world. when you cry it tears me apart...

Being a mommy didnt come with a handbook so I'm pretty sure more than once I made mistakes and I hope that one day you can understand.

I want you to know that you are everything to me and I love you baby girl. It will be probably a few years before you will read this...I cant tell the future but I do want you to know that nothing will ever happen to where I will never love you. I will never hate you. I will only and forever love you. You are my life.  First and foremost.
In a way I cant wait for you to get older...I can see it now...we will be the best of friends and when you dont get your way you're gonna hate me. How do I know that? Simple...cause I did that to  my parents.

But regardless of all that...just know that both mommy and daddy and everyone you have met love you very much.  No matter what may become between your daddy and is one thing you will never have to worry about and that is how much we LOVE you.   If we have nothing else in common...that will be the one and only thing that will never ever change.

Mommy loves you baby girl.

First family photo.....

1st birthday

Mommy & Daughter

Daddy and Daughter

Mommy & Daddy

I love u!

Deuces!!!

We love you baby girl :)