Waiting for you to walk

Sunday May 31, 2009

Waiting for you to walk

Dear Serenity,

You're able to stand and bounce. Mommy's just waiting for you to walk now. You've been doing pretty well taking a few steps. I think that you're wanting to run more than walk. But it's okay. I'm gonna be there every freaking step of the way.
And when you walk your first few steps I'll be there to cheer you on.

When you fall your first falls I'll help you up.
When you try to run before you walk and fall, I'm gonna let you fall.

Can't be your cushion 24/7 :D
Regardless of that I will hold your hand and if you ever need me I'm always here.

I love it when you look at me and give me your daddy's smile. You look so much like him.
Your silly grin can make my frown turn upside down in a heartbeat.

You mean so much to me.

12 months ago I was waiting for you to focus your eyes.

Then I had to wait for you to hold up your head.

Next came you rolling over.

Crawling.

Standing.

Now walking.

Then there's the running which I'm sure you come when the walking does :)

Then I'll just be waiting for you to talk. Will you be quiet like your Daddy? And shy? Or will you be outgoing and talkative like me? I don't which one I'd rather you be. Is there such thing as an in between? If there is, I hope that's you. The best of both worlds.

Mommy loves you.
Hugs and kisses!

Almost 1 Year Down...Forever to Go

Saturday May 30, 2009

Almost 1 Year Down...Forever to Go

Dear Serenity,

It's almost your first birthday and what can I say.
I still can't believe you are almost walking now.
Just yesterday it seemed as if you were just laying in the bed looking at the light and at me and giving me all your goofy faces.
So many memories flood my mind when I think of you baby girl.

I remember when I saw the pregnancy test confirm you were coming.
I remember when I first saw you as a peanut inside me. We could make out your head and body :)
I remember when I first heard your heartbeat.
I remember the first time I felt you kicking me while you were inside.
I remember the many cases of hiccups you'd have while in my tummy.
I remember the first time the nurse told me you'd have a head full of hair.
I remember the first time they told me they saw that you were a girl...that visit was the only visit that Daddy was with me.
I remember the ducky I bought from Cracker Barrel when I went to eat with Andrew before you came.
I remember many of the times that I cried because I was so upset with your father.
I remember the morning of when I went to have you.
I remember the white dress I was wearing, which I can't seem to find right now :(
I remember the first signs of the contractions when they induced the labor.
I remember the feeling that I felt when they broke the water bag.
I remember the nurses adjusting the monitor on my belly so that we can get a good reading on your heartbeat
I remember having to have my blood pressure taken every so often while in the labor room.
I remember being in labor room 4
I remember your Auntie Minie & Uncle Melvin coming to visit me.
I remember my friend Jason coming to see me.
I remember Daddy was going to go home and get the laptop for me to play on and I had to call him and tell him they were breaking my water bag, this happened at 12:30.
I remember feeling the pains of the contractions starting around 2:30. 
I remember the nurses administering me some pain medicine and continuously asking me if I wanted them to turn the light off.
I remember telling them no.
I remember Grandma Mimi sleeping in the makeshift sofa in the room.
I remember how cold the room was.
I remember watching Deliver Me on TLC.
I remember falling asleep for 3 hours before the true pain of the contractions started.
I remember the doctor coming in and seeing me crying in pain from contractions.
I remember the nurses telling me "DON'T PUSH"
I remember telling them that "I'm not pushing, I'm just hurting!"
I remember the doctor telling me they're gonna administer the epidural cause I shouldn't be in so much pain.
I remember the doctor coming in and I had to sit reaching for my toes while he gave me the epidural.
I remember the numerous text messages after the epidural.
I remember the nurses bring in the blue sheets to cover me before you came.
I remember the nurses telling me to push and then telling me to stop.
I remember asking the nurses to wait because your Auntie Kathy was not there.
I remember pushing.
I remember Auntie Kathy & Grandma Mimi asking me if I was hurting...I told them no.
I remember the pressure of you trying to come out into the world.
I remember the doctor lifting you up and I got to see you for the very first time.
I remember seeing you take your first breathe after your father cut the umbilical cord.
I remember them cleaning you up.
I remember being very cold and having numerous sheets thrown on me to keep me warm. 
I remember them handing you to me so that they can wheel me into room 306.
I remember your Auntie Nhi, Uncle Martin, and David coming to see us when we got in the room.
I remember Daddy staying in the room with us.
I remember not being able to sleep.
I remember everyone coming to visit us the next day.
I remember dressing you for your hospital pictures.
I remember buying your hospital outfit, I even got your initials monogrammed on it. 
I remember them coming in and pricking you on the foot for the tests.
I remember the milk bottles and nipples.
I remember the yellow line that turns green when you've wet the diaper.
I remember them bringing in the uv light cause you have jaundice.
I remember them finally telling me that we could take you home...5 days later.
I remember dressing you in your duck outfit to bring you home.
I remember finally being at home with you.
I remember the first time you started to hold your bottle.
I remember the first time you started to hold you head up.
I remember the first time you rolled over.
I remember the first time you started to crawl.  That was Thanksgiving 2008 while your Auntie Crystal and Uncle Dan were in town to visit.
I remember the first time you started to walk.  You walked to Gogo before you walked to me.  You even walked to Daddy sooner than that...
I remember you waking up at 4 AM and when I look at you, you smile.
I remember feeding you your baby food.
I remember making your bottles.
I remember changing your diapers.
I remember your bath times.
I remember buying you clothes throughout the year.
And  now, with less than 4 days away...I'll remember your first birthday.

These are just some of the major memories that flood my mind whenever you cross it baby girl.
You have no idea how happy I am that you are a part of my life.
As I told  you before, no matter what happens with your father and I, you will always be loved. 
I will always love you.
For now and always.

Mommy loves you baby girl.

Hugs & Kisses
Mommy

Cloud 9 or Bust...

Monday May 25, 2009

Cloud 9 or Bust...

He once told me that if I needed help when it came to Serenity to let him know.
I need help with paying the babysitter. 
Asked him to help me pay half.
He told me to let him watch her so that way I wouldn't have to pay the babysitter.
So I agreed and I decided to do alternating weeks with him.  That way he wouldn't be overwhelmed being with Serenity twenty four seven....

He agreed.
Picked her up Sunday night.
I was supposed to come and see her while she was with him Monday & Wednesday nights and then pick her up Fridays.
However, I rethought it and figured it would be best if he and I saw as little of each other as possible.  So I decided that I would not come see her during the week, but just wait till Friday to pick her up. That would give him time to spend with her without me intruding in on his time. 
Monday evening I get a text saying that he's out of diapers.
Since I was not going to be there till Friday I replied to him telling him that Walmart was just 5 minutes away from his house and he could go buy her some more diapers.
He got upset...and he tells me to come pick her up.

It was for one day.  He watched her for one day.

Serenity does not have his last name because during the entire pregnancy he act as if she was not coming.  Even after she came he still throws it in my face that she's not his. Even to this day it's the same thing...

Whenever we get in an argument he'll say she's not his.
And I tell him the same thing everytime.

"If she's not yours than don't bother me. Don't text me, don't call me.  Just leave us alone and let us be."

I can't decide on what's better. 

Having him apart of her life and coming and going whenever he has a happy day...
or
Having him act as if we don't exist like he is currently doing now.

I would love for him to have a relationship with Serenity, but if it's going to be only when it's convenient for him...why bother with it?

He'll take her and spend time with her or come see  her and then resent me for it.

Throw in my face that because she doesn't have his last name that she's not his daughter. 

No one knows our relationship but Ricky & I.
Ricky knows the reason behind everything I've done when it's involved Serenity. 
He knows where, when, what, & why everything between us is the way it is.
It's just a shame that he can't tell his family the reason why, so they automatically feel that it's my fault.  Which is fine by me.  Cause what goes around comes around.

I know that I did nothing wrong.
Not only that but I've allowed Ricky the opportunity to be apart of Serenity's life time and time again.
And each time it's the same thing.
Just like when we were dating.

He'll do okay for a little while.
Then when it starts to get good...
He says the hell with it.

And yet maybe in the idiot for allowing him the opportunity to do so.
I don't know.
Blame me for having a heart...

I don't know what to do.

How do I know when enough is enough?

*************************************************************

On the upside of my life...I could not ask for someone better than Darren to be a part of my life right now. 
Of course I feel kinda bad for everything he has to deal with cause of me.
It seems as if half of our conversations revolve around Ricky.
And yet Darren still puts up with my ranting & raving about Ricky.
Most guys will see that baby daddy drama and say "screw that" and leave.
If I remember correctly, I gave Darren that opportunity to back out of this relationship and he didn't.
And I could not be any more thankful.

He is the most caring and kind person that I have met.
He constantly tells me how beautiful I am (still trying to figure that one out)
And he has this smirk that is so irresistable (plus his butt ain't too shabby)

We mostly sit around the house and watch tv and just spend time with one another.

Serenity adores him and he adores her as well.

Darren has so many qualities that makes him so great...that will have to go on a blog all on it's own.  :)

Friday May 22, 2009
Forgive & Forget?

Will I be able to forgive and forget everything?

He only wants her when its convenient for him.

He gets pissed off at me and says she isn't his.

I'm still so lost at what to do :(