Confessions of a Single Mother

Welcome to Dear Serenity. An online journal I am keeping for my baby girl. I hope that as she grows older she will see how much she is loved by everyone and some major events that happened in her life. Something she will never remember, but I will never forget.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Dear Serenity,

What can I say?!? You are the light of my life.
Nothing will ever change that.  You are what makes me smile when I'm down.
And the fact that you are so curious and so aware of what is going on around. Some what scares me but makes me thankful at the same time.

You are growing up so beautifully. You are loved by many people. Family and friends all alike.
Actually there is someone at school that has a crush on you! He's a cutie too.
You are very much a people person and I don't believe that anyone who has ever met you hates you.
Even Mommy's ex-boyfriend met you and thinks you are adorable. He told me I did really well. I could have told him that.

You are now 3 years old. Is it easier now or before? There really isn't an answer for that. There are not manuals on parenting...So what am I doing? Taking it day by day.
You have gotten to the point where you no longer cry when I leave for work.  Everytime that happened, it shattered my heart having to leave you...but now...you sleep by yourself. Sometimes you sleep in Grandpa's room, but you still sleep by yourself.  You have your area that you go to and when you wake up in the morning, if I am still home you will come and climb into bed with me.  You snuggle up to me and that is the sweetest gesture that I can think of.

Today was really funny.  You came up to me. Grabbed my nose. Then said. "Mommy! I gotcha nose!" then you did the same thing with my eyes and again, "Mommy! I gotcha eyes!"
Your laughter is music to my ears. 
Whenever Moon and I come home at the same time, if you see him first, I hear you asking, "Daddy Moon, where is my Mommy?" That brings a huge smile to my face.
You think of me when you don't see me.  I hope that you realize I think of you whenever you are not near me.  Sometimes I know that it seems like Mommy is preoccupied with other things, but NEVER EVER will I stop thinking of you.  No matter what may be going on in my mind, the one thing that never ever leaves my mind, are the thoughts of you. And what you plan on doing next.  Already at 3 your are very playful and your imagination is running wildly. 

I am trying very hard not to let things going on with your Father bother me.  He has informed me of very disturbing things.  He is also not keeping up with his end of the child support. Does that surprise me, no. It seems as though he may not be exercising his rights to see you either.  From my understanding, your Father is trying to get a clothing line launched. Wish him all the best of luck. However, it seems he is not able to juggle more than on task at once.  If he truly is doing all he can, he should be able to keep up with the child support.  That is money that I was looking towards to help pay for YOUR childcare and for your upcoming school supplies that you will need.  Of course, you would have figured by now that I should not depend on your Father.  I hope and pray that this is not the case when you are older. Many people would say that now is the time that you need both parents. Kinda seems like a waste when only one is giving all and the other one is not doing anything.  But, that is just how I see it.  I am not sure what happens when you are with him.  All I can hope and pray is that he is properly taking care of you. 

Apparently your Father seems to think that we only have one mutual friend.  He fails to realize that I get my information in other ways.  But that is on him I guess.  The more that time passes by, the more I see how childish your Father can be.  And time and time again, it does not surprise me.  Some how, I guess I knew it would end up happening...just a matter of when.  Did you know that when your Father told me that he would be leaving and going out of the country to start a new family...I wished him the best of luck. And a part of me hopes that all the mistakes he did with us, he does not do with his "new family." Sometimes I feel that some people, don't realize how well they have it.  Like right now, you and I. We are very much lucky.  We have Ramon and Zoe.  A great addition to our family.  I hope that Zoe will help you as you grow older and that you two learn to love each other as much as we love you and you love us. 

I know that I have said this before, and I will say it again and over again...
No matter what will happen or what may come,
I will always love you.
Your Father will always love you.

You are forever loved by many.

Always yours,

Mommy

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

And Some Things Never Change

Dear Serenity,

Your father just called.  He wants to have you every other week.
I can tell you right now, until the court orders for him to have you every other week, you will not be with him for a week at a time. 
So our arrangement is that he can have you every other weekend.
Granted that if there is a weekend that I would like to have you and it's your weekend with him, I can keep you that weekend and he will get you the following 2 weekends to make up for loss time. 
Today, since I turned him down with the whole every other week, he tells me that he already has plans with you for Memorial Day weekend. (Your own father doesn't even know holidays cause if he did, he'd realize that Memorial Day already passed, just like he cant get it straight that you have my last name and not his.) So I text him and informed him that I've already asked about that with my lawyer.  And he calls me and he tells me

"I need to have her on my weekends or bad things will happen to you."
Then he hangs up the phone.

Really?! Now he's going to threaten me?! Because of a weekend? Or is it the fact that he has not been a part of your life the way he wants to be? As if I don't have enough going on in our lives, and your father decides he is going to threaten me.

Funny thing is, I have no problem with you being with him but I just find it kinda odd that he will be able to support you. Come July 15, he will be 3 months and $33.21 to be exact.  And he can't even keep up with that.  How does he plan on taking care of you when you are with him? Maybe its cause he feels that I won't go as far as to take this back to court and fight for all parental rights of you.  Or he feels that I won't report the missed month of child support...what am I supposed to do? I've given him plenty of choices and now I am left pondering on what to do. How to go about doing it and when to do it?

Wanna know what is really the kicker? On Friday July 1, your father text me letting me know he has your child support money for the June. Here is our conversation:

Friday, July 01, 2011

07:39 PM Khe Nguyen : Did u find the credit union?
07:43 PM Serenitys Daddy: Yeah no I didn't have time to go there so I just grabbed a money order during my errands
  It's not much but it's all I got
07:44 PM Khe Nguyen : Do u think u can deposit it tomorrow?
  How much do u have?
07:44 PM   Serenitys Daddy ): I can or I can just give u the money order
07:45 PM It's 200
07:45 PM   Khe Nguyen : I wont be home till after 8.
07:45 PM   Serenitys Daddy : It's 200
07:45 PM   Khe Nguyen : Its up to u.
07:45 PM   Serenitys Daddy : And I got 20 to do groceries for the month....lol
07:46 PM Khe Nguyen : :s
  Thats not enough...wait. This month is over -_-
  U mean july?!
07:46 PM   Serenitys Daddy : Whatever is more convenient for u
  Yes duh




How does he plan on taking care of you properly with just $20 bucks for groceries?


This past weekend he sent you back to me with the same pants you wore on Friday when he picked you up.  Here's the kicker, he couldn't even wash the pants before putting you back in it.

One of his main concerns was having to see me and deal with me. So I decided I would open up a savings account so that he can directly deposit the money into the account for you.  I even text him the directions to the bank so that he can deposit the money for you.  Not only that but he can keep the deposit slips so that if any time later on I come back and say that he didn't pay, he would have the deposit slips to prove that he made the deposit.  But even then, he can't seem to locate the bank and to make the deposit.  Which is fine, as long as you get your money. Wait, he still owes you -__-

I'm trying to be the bigger person, and frankly I believe I have been. But he really likes to push buttons...

Loving you always,
Mommy