Sunday, March 30, 2008

Lonely... For someone who has a baby growing inside of my belly, I have never felt more alone than ever. I just don't get it. I really don't understand. I guess I'm stupid for thinking that everything was okay. come to find out they all hate me. And that hurts.  a lot. I finally get the idea that he does not care for me like I had thought he did... and I accepted it. Cause I love him. and that eventually things will begin to look up for me only to find out that everything is going the complete opposite direction. It hurts to know that no one wants you. And you're forced to go through a life changing event without anyone to constantly be by your side. I'm trying so hard to be strong. For Serenity. For me. But I can't do it anymore. I don't know if things would be different if I was not pregnant, but that does not matter. Cause it doesn't change the fact that I am. But deep down inside I just wish everything was different. I can't even smile and be happy without faking it anymore. I stress out beyond my limit... I'm scared out of my mind about Serenity and no one is here to help me. It's not the fact that they don't want to help... I don't think anyone knows how to help. I don't even know how to help myself.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Foolish... So I was driving to babies r us to add more stuff to my registry and "Foolish" by Ashanti came on the radio.  It's been ages since I've heard that song!  And boy let me tell you...when I did hear it... listening to the lyrics...somehow, I couldn't help but feel that the relationship that I am currently in... maybe I'm the "foolish" one. Then again, I wonder if I can even label what I'm in a relationship. And on the side that it could be a relationship, I would have no idea how it would be looked at. It's funny how the two people invovled in a relationship, each see something different. But yet...everyone else OUTSIDE of the relationship sees something totally different. I am a hopeless romantic. Things have to go completely wrong in order for me to give up on a relationship. There may have been ONE time when I gave up...but for three relationships that I know of, I fought for the relationship to stay alive.  Two are buried...one...sadly, I don't know where the status of that one is. I have never been one to make my boyfriend change their habits.  Not now.  Not ever. If they were into something prior to being with me, I don't expect them to quit it. I just don't like being left in the dark. Don't leave me out of things in your life when you claim you love me. And I guess for some guys that is asking a bit too much. Eh, who knows.  I sure as hell don't know. For 23 years (going on 24), I still cannot decipher the ways of men. Is it just me? Cause apparently everyone else around me is happy and chipper. And me...I'm just...yea. here. And sometimes it doesn't even seem like that's the case. *sigh* Then...there are times when I'm invisible. Like to him. Love is complicated...and to have a baby involved makes it even worse >_< Even though things are slowly not progressing... I am trying my darnest to keep my mind on the one thing that matters the most to me right now. Serenity...and I feel like I'm not doing her justice cause of all these issues I have going on in my life. It sucks that she's caught in the midst of my thoughts and emotions. Mommy is so sorry. I'm trying baby girl. I'm trying.

Waiting for Baby Serenity ^_^

Friday March 28, 2008

Waiting for Baby Serenity ^_^

29 weeks has gone by now. And day by day I feel her moving more and more. The initial ultrasound on January 29 stated that the baby I have inside of me is a little girl. I’m hoping that within the next two weeks I’ll be able to have that verified with a 4-d ultrasound. More than likely I’ll have that done...but only time will tell.
My belly is slowly getting bigger and bigger. It’s still kinda hard to believe that little ole me got a belly!
I can rub on my belly now!!! It’s so neat and weird at the same time...
A lot has been going on lately. Mainly things that I am not sure of what the outcome will be. But I have hopes that everything will be okay.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Thoughts On My Mind.... Lately my mind has been overworking. Things are just getting to the point where I have no idea what I am thinking about anymore. I find myself being jealous of someone who I do not even know. And it's not because of the guy that she's with...but more of what they have. It seems as if what I want...she has with her someone. So I sit and wonder... When will it be my turn? I guess this waiting is a result of past relationships that I stupidly caused to end. 2 long distance relationships back-to-back, down the drain... and now I have a local boyfriend, a baby on the way and yet this relationship seems so far from where I was hoping it would be. I guess my romantic views are starting to take a turn on my mind and it sucks that the way I imagined it is not happening.

Just thinking.....

Sunday March 16, 2008

Just thinking.....

I want with Ricky, what others have with theirs....

On a side note, Serenity is growing bigger.
How do I know?
Simple...my belly is growing.
^_^

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Joys Of Pregnancy Seems to be never ending.  And it doesn't help much that the weather can't seem to make up its mind to stay one or the other.  Instead it keeps getting worse and my body is having a hard time keeping up with such a change. The aching body...the horrible mornings...the endless days...things just seems to get worse and worse as time goes on.  This morning I had to be at the hospital to take a gestational diabetes test.  That drink was gross.  10 oz...ewwwww....then I had to walk around...pretty much entertain myself for an hour before they drew my blood.  I wish I knew how pregnancy really is...but even with everyone's advices it still seems as if I'm on my own with this. Hopefully things will get better. On a side note, I have yet to take any pictures of my growing belly.  If you haven't seen me recently...trust me.  It's visible now. No more "You're pregnant?! Where is it?! I don't see it!"  Well... you do now.  Trust me.  I can feel her moving and at times it's really neat and at times it's really weird.  It's just one of those things.  I'll be on the phones with the customers and she'll start kicking me and moving.  It's funny seeing my belly go round to pointy all because of what she decides to do.