Welcome to Dear Serenity. An online journal I am keeping for my baby girl. I hope that as she grows older she will see how much she is loved by everyone and some major events that happened in her life. Something she will never remember, but I will never forget.
It's been a little over 5 months now since Serenity has physically entered my life and I'm still in disbelief at times that I'm a mommy.
I can't even begin to explain the feeling that I have when I'm with Serenity. Although at times she wakes me up earlier than I'm used to, but it's okay. She has this sly smile and it's so adorable, I can't be mad at her no matter what time of the hour she wakes me up.
She's sick now. She's been having congestion and a fever broke out...the babysitter gave her some motrin & tylenol and I hope that fever stays away. Luckily I was able to request off for today to take her to the doctor. I know that they don't really prescribe anything for babies, but I'm afraid it might be some type of virus in her system and I don't want to risk that. It's new mommy syndrome.
It's now been five months & honestly, I still haven't really gotten the hang of this mommy thing. I still got a lot to learn. It sucks cause there's only so much you can handle. Serenity seems to coming down with a cold or something lik that. Nose is all stuffy, she's been coughing and everything.
These are pictures that were taken from June to just recently. Well, off to bed. Be back to update later.
[Liz:]
Trippin' on ya,
Flippin' on ya,
Makin' you cry,
Girl that ain't love at all.
[Evonne:]
10-23
[Liz:]
Girl that ain't love at all
Oohhh, oooh, yea.
[Evonne:]
Yea, yea Check it.
[Liz:]
You already know he's been acting funny.
He's never available and he's not returning.
It's all the phone calls or text messages,
He's taking your kindness for granted.
Like when you both are lonely, nothing wrong at all.
But in the open he acts like a superstar,
Pretending that he don't know who you are.
And babygirl, that ain't love at all.
[Chorus:]
Don't you waste your time.
Being a fool for him,
Girl he ain't worth it.
And if your heart is hurting,
Cuz you're the only one who cares,
That ain't love at all.
Girl you better leave,
That ain't the way it's supposed to be.
Ohhhhh, you should know you better than that,
You can do better than that yea.
Something ain't right.
You're giving your best,
And he's taking advantage,
Of your heart.
Ohhh, and girl that ain't love at all.
[Liz:]
Now let me guess he puts it all on you,
Says you're fussing over nothing and you act a fool.
Why couldn't you be a little less insecure, baby.
He said, he said, he doesn't answer cuz he's at work.
He ain't actin' brand new, you're just on his nerves.
If everytime you turn around, it's you,
Then I'm telling you, baby.
[Chorus:]
Don't you waste your time.
Being a fool for him, (Being a fool for him, cuz girl he ain't worth it)
Girl he ain't worth it.
And if your heart is hurting,
Cuz you're the only one who cares,
That ain't love at all. (That ain't love at all)
Girl you better leave,
That ain't the way it's supposed to be.
Ohhhhh, you should know you better than that,(Ohh, better girl, you're better than that)
You can do better than that yea.
Something ain't right. (It ain't right)
You're giving your best,
And he's taking advantage, (He's taking advantage)
Of your heart.
Ohhh, and girl that ain't love at all.
[Evonne:]
Uh, uh, yea,
You causin' shivers down my spine,
And now I cry, cuz I know I have to say goodbye.
Been holding on so long,
I don't want to leave you... why?
I don't believe in love,
Cuz I still don't have you, I try.
And yea you say the sweetest things,
But it's all behind doors,
And when you look in my eyes,
It's like you see through my cores,
My heart's attacked by the things you say,
My body's numb.
You're love is like last year...
It's over, it's done.
This song somehow sums up our relationship. Maybe it wasn't love at all
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Serenity's first haircut = bald Serenity...
either way, she's still adorable ^_^
In life, you live and you learn...
it's all about making mistakes and learning from them, right?
well...i've made my share of mistakes...and I have a feeling
that for the rest of my life I'll continue to make mistakes.
Hopefully I'll be able to learn from them and live happily.
Becoming a mother has totally given me a new perspective
on life...Serenity is everything to me. And I will do everything
I can to protect her...even if that includes it being just the 2 of us
I just hope that I can do right by her...
I'll be returning to work for the family after this week...
Gotta start making extra $ to pay the bills and take care of Serenity.
I already know that I won't be able to depend on her father for help with
anything...he chose where he wants to stand when it comes to us...
and for that...it's probably better off that way.
Serenity has been my focus and part of that focus was to have both
mommy & daddy in her life...but that doesn't look like it's going to work
so...yea. I probably should have guessed that when he didnt know how to hold
her...or change her diaper...or even know how to prepare her bottle...somehow
at these times i wish i did drag him to the baby classes...but oh well.
it might be better if i took care of her anyways...
Serenity sleeps with her mouth open...and then sometimes she'll smile
in her sleep. She truly is an angel. She's starting to worry me lately
though. When we first came home from the hospital she was sleeping an average
of 3-4 hours after every bottle feeding...including the early morning.
but for this past week she's been very very fussy after her last bottle before
bed. im wondering if she's colicky...my mom & i have to take turns at night
trying to comfort her and rock her to sleep...she doesnt go to bed till
like 3 or 4 in the morning. During the day..she sleeps like it's nothing.
She'll wake up...drink her bottle, burp, and fall asleep...but that's only
during the daylight. *sigh*
Other than that...I've been sleeping when she sleeps...that i got down!
He complains that he never gets to see her...
and when he has the time he's off hanging out with his friends
and doing other stuff...
And once again he's back to the same old routine...Says he'll do this or that
and then he goes and does something else. I guess somewhere along the way
I really am stupid. I keep trying and in the end I'm the one that's let down.
Oh, and did you know that when a guy loves a girl he doesn't cheat on her?
Instead...he treats her like crap while she's carrying his child...
That's a new one to me too.
Did I expect to be a mommy @ this age...but now that I am a mommy...I wouldn't change it for the world! Serenity is a blessing in disguise...dirty diapers and all ^_^
I always thought that I would be happily married before going down this path...and now here I am. A mommy. Single one at that...but it's okay. Cause there are plenty of women whose done this before...and I know that with the help of family and friends I know that I am going to be able to make it through this.
Last week was the first time that Serenity caused me to stay up all night.
For some reason she just wouldn't sleep.
Lately I've been napping when she naps...
but @ night i sleep late.
just cause i know she'll wake up for a middle of the night feeding...
then after the feeding i go to sleep...
during the day it's sleep...bottle...change diapers...and repeat
Ricky comes to visit her when he's got time and hopefully after July 4th, Serenity & I will be staying at Ricky's on the weekends...at least that's the plan
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Here are some pictures of my bundle of joy.
Totally overdue...but hopefully I'll be back to update soon ^_^
Wow...39 weeks in the making and after being in the labor and delivery room from 5:30 am to 9 pm...and then being in the hospital from Tuesday to Saturday...I'm a mommy.
It's so amazing...
Serenity is really a life changing experience...I never knew how much pain childbirth is :/
I totally give props to those who went without the epidural...I attempted to do it without but by the time I was at 4 cm...my contractions were 2 minutes apart and they were longer than 10 seconds each...it was not a pretty sight. Ricky and my mommy was with me throughout the whole delivery...and my oldest sister Cathy left the poboy shop before the doctor came to finish the delivery. All in all...I'm glad that those three were there...Mom & Cathy were in amazement of how I was so calm...that epidural was my best friend for the last hour of the pregnancy.
I truly wanted to go through the whole delivery process without having to get the epidural, but when my body was not cooperating with the medicine and dilating as quick as the contractions I realized that if I continued without it then when I needed to push, I wouldn't have been able to because of the pain...so I gave in and when that epidural hit me...it totally hit me...I was just chilling. After the epidural I was more worried about Ricky fainting than I was with the delivery. I kept asking him if he was okay cause the nurse was like okay...push. I'd push, and then she'd say that they see the head. My mom and my sister were like OMG the head! We see hair!
Ricky kept OMG...and when the doctor finally came in, he told me to push...and then stop. When I stopped pushing I looked at Ricky and he was like OMG I see her! Then the doctor handed him the scissors to cut the umbilical cord...apparently the look on his face was priceless cause the blood kinda sorta splattered everywhere...the nurse and Cathy couldnt stop laughing...I wasnt looking at him cause I was looking at Serenity...heheh
Apparently the nurses at the hospital or whoever did her paperwork couldn't spell Serenity cause all of the paperwork ended up being labeled BG Nguyen :/
Thank you to everyone that came to visit us while we were in the hospital. ^_^
We were supposed to go home Thursday, but Serenity ended up getting newborn jaundice. We had to put her underneath the light for 2 days. They discharged us on Saturday and we came back to the hospital Sunday & Monday for bloodwork. Now...we're home.
All she's doing so far is eat, sleep, and poop. On occasion she'll stay up and look at the lights and make funny faces at me or whoever is around...but other than that she's been really easy to handle. Of course everyone says the first month is easy.
Last night she woke me & mommy up at around 3, we fed her, changed her and she went back to bed. But I couldn't sleep cause my boobies hurt like a freaking mofo :/
All this freaking milk in my boobies...it needs to go away cause I'm not liking the feeling. AT ALL!
Who would have thought...me...@ 23 being a mommy...
I'm all grown up now...
Went to the doctor yesterday...
Apparently she's currently 5 lbs. 12 oz. & I've dilated 1 cm...
We have a scheduled labor induction for June 3rd....
Serenity SHOULD be arriving by then.
So counting down...6 more days!!!
Mommy is telling me to walk...walk walk walk...
It's more like I'm waddling :/
Her daddy will be leaving for the weekend next week...Her aunt's wedding in South Carolina. She'll be at home with me ^_^
So...I woke up yesterday...drove to the poboy shop and I got a call from Mommy.
She asked me how my doctor's appointment had gone. Told her that I don't know yet cause the appointment is at three. She then continues to inform me that my cousin & his wife had their baby boy...oddly enough, their son's due date is not for another 5 weeks...which makes her due date 2 weeks after mine...but yea...
then there's Angie & Anh...her due date is June 19. Mine is June 9. She's already dilated to 3 cm AND her mucus plug is gone....meaning she'll be going into labor any day now.
That leaves me. With 3 weeks left to go till my due date...and not even 1 cm dilated :(
I know, I know. Don't rush her...she'll come...but do you know how nerve wrecking it is to feel her moving inside and knowing that ANY FREAKING DAY NOW she'll be in my arms? She's already dropped...not only that but she's pretty much in position to come. She's BEEN in position to come for the past three weeks...I'm just waddling around some more *sigh*
I'm going to be able to hold her...hug her...dress her up in the kyoote clothes...soon, right?
Apparently when they did the ultrasound they were able to tell that she has hair. How much...I dunno. I'm guessing a head full of hair...but yea.
I have been trying really hard to get back into my crafty self...trying to finish her blanket that I started...continuing to work on my scrapbook...my mind has just gone to mush lately.
Saw Ricky tonight. He asked about the doctor's appointment. I guess there truly is a first time for everything...
Found out some very interesting stuff this week...I bet you're just dying to find out what I found out...aren't you? Well...too bad. I'm not saying
It dawned on me tonight...I'm going to be a mommy. Isn't that crazy?!?!
Me. A Mommy...
Hopefully after a few years I'll be a mommy & a teacher.
But only time will tell.
Maybe I should just wait for Serenity to get old enough for school and go teach where she attends. That's like great. I get to do my job & spend time with my kid.
2 birds with 1 stone!
I'll be my own babysitter...LoL
Anyways...it's getting late.
My feet feels swollen...again...
and Serenity is trying to get comfy in my belly...
The time is almost here... I'm going to be a mommy. Kinda scary. Exciting. It's a melting pot of emotions all in one. I checked my facebook today...and one of my friends gave me some very interesting advice...
So...I've been thinking...it's funny...i've been thinking alot about you lately...about how you been...how you are now...how's serenity...and always keeping up to date with your updates thru xanga/myspace/facebook... you know what i was thinking today???
I was thinking... every kid deserves a mommy and a daddy... every kid.. no matter if it's a good or bad kid.. every kid deserves one as they grow up... but of course there are always exceptions.. why would you want to put serenity through a child hood of regrets/denial/neglect/broken promises??? If Ricky does not show any concern or enthusiasm or anything right now (except apathy), as she is growing inside of you, what makes you think that he will once she comes out onto this horrifying world we live in?? If he did not care about you but still cared for the baybee, that's a different story.. but he doesn't even care if she's growing probably inside of you.. he doesn't care if she's enough weight so she won't end up in NICU.. he doesn't even call to make sure that you're probably taking good care of yourself in order for nothing to happen to her.. in my opinion (and you know how much you "love" them), don't tell Ricky anything.. if he wants to know, he'll ask... don't tell him when you're at the hospital going into labor.. don't tell him if something is wrong.. don't tell him if something is good.. don't tell him anything.. you are ALWAYS there telling him what's going on and waht's up... give him a chance to see if he does truly care or not.. EVEN BETTER.. pretend he never existed and this child was out of "turkey basting"..
look.. i know you well enough to know that you wanted a daughter more than anything in this world ever since you were young.. you even had the names picked up since FOREVER... and you know waht i think???..... sure you might have some financial difficulties taking care of Serenity... sure there are certain times it will be hard.. and there are certain times that you wish things were different... and who knows.. maybe your parenting skills won't be that great either... BUT... i know for a FACT that you will love her like no other.. i know without a doubt that when you see her take her first breath, nothing else in the world will matter but her.. and that you are willing to do everything in your power to show Serenity that she is loved beyond anything she will ever be able to understand.. and until the day you die, i'm pretty sure you will still continue showing her.. and that's the only thing that is important..
Look.. hunni... all i'm trying to say is that>>>> stop stressing... your stress is taking its toll on your lil baybee.. maybe it wasn't meant to be between you and ricky... if it is meant to be, then time will have to play itself out... but for the moment, your concern should not involve ricky what-so-ever.. for your baybee's sake.. take care of yourself.. eat like crazy.. take your folic acid.. take your calcium.. take your vitamins... "nursing student's order"... lolz..
you get what im trying to say???
I've thought about it. The whole not calling him and telling him anything. I've even been at the point where I don't even care to have him in the delivery room...which I won't have have to worry about because he's choosing not to be in the delivery room...But honestly I just don't have the heart to do it. I can be a bitch just as much as the next girl...and frankly it's something that everyone has to deal with. Maybe the reason why I decided to do it like this is so that NO ONE can say that I never told Ricky about anything...I DID tell him...and he chose not to be a part of it.
Everyone is very concerned about my well being...everyone but him. And I'm okay cause I know that I'm not alone. Everyone thinks that Ricky is a horrible person. Here I am...stupid as I am STILL sticking up for him and constantly reassuring myself that he needs to see Serenity to realize that she's real. And that by some miracle he'll get his life together and for the better. But yet at the same time so many people care for me...and they are just my friends. No ties, no attachments to me or Serenity and yet they care fore me & Serenity more than Ricky is ever showing. and honestly I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he does get his life together...not for me...for Serenity.
It's taken me about 7 & 1/2 months to realize that I don't need him to care for me or to love me to be happy. It would be an added bonus, yes...but he's not someone that I need. Someone I want, yes...because I do love him...but far from someone that I need. No one can say that I never gave him the chance to show me how he can be. I've seen enough. And from what I've seen...I can't help but believe I'm better off without.
Anyone whose been pregnant can vouch that the feeling you get when your baby moves inside you makes everything just vanish. That's what I keep reminding myself. Everytime Serenity moves...I know that we will be fine. With or without him. I refuse to let him get to me. He makes his decisions...and I've made mine. If it works out between us than all the better, but if it doesn't...we are still Serenity's parents. And NO ONE can take my mommy status away from Serenity.
I finally fell asleep only to be roused awake by a text message from Ricky. And now I can 't sleep.
Went to the doctors yesterday and he told me that I'm still small for where I am in the pregnancy and we're going to have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see how much Serenity has grown. As of last week, she is 4.5 lbs. Doctor says that if she doesn't gain more weight, he's going to induce my labor. Don't really know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. She's dropped into position...but I've yet to dilate. However, I do know that within the past 2 weeks, I've gained 8 lbs...I'm guessing it's water weight...hopefully a lb or two is Serenity...After I left the doctor's office I called Mommy and told her. She had me show her my belly. She said that my belly has dropped...really dropped. Honestly, I can barely tell....I look down and I see belly.
After I saw Mommy, I stopped by to see Ricky and let him know that Serenity may be coming sooner than expected...he didn't say much of anything, more like he gave me a look of "wtf are you doing here."
This pregnancy really proved to me that things don't always go as you expect...Other events in my life showed me that too...but none of them shed the light for me like this one. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought that I would be with the person who loved me and that we'd be this one happy couple enjoying the journey into parenthood together. Every night before bed, I'd get to see him talk to the baby and rub my belly...The little time that I did stay with Ricky during the pregnancy, he really never attempted to do any of it. I guess my expectations of him and how he acts towards me is too high and it's my fault that I keep letting myself in that position to where he can hurt me. I love him. I always will. And yet somehow I feel that's my downfall.
How can someone we love hurt us so much and not care? Why do we still love someone when they constantly hurt us? I ask myself these questions so many times throughout this pregnancy...and even now I still can't answer them. This pregnancy has been tough for the both of us...and I'm so confused at what's going on...so I made a decision and only one person holds my heart.
Serenity.
And as much as I love Ricky...I don't want to risk getting hurt all over again because of him. Who knows...as of now...after everything that's happened between us, I just don't want to experience that feeling anymore...
From now on...all that matters is me & my baby girl.
Went to the doctor's appointment last Tuesday. They did an ultrasound and they've determined she is currently 4.5 lbs. Hopefully she'll gain some more weight by the time she arrives. Her daddy came out at 5 lbs something and I came out at 6 lbs. 8 oz. I'm so excited to meet her...I feel her moving around inside me like it's nothing...I just hope that I've given her enough room.
I'll be at work today...so all you mothers out there enjoy! My turn will come next year...I'm celebrating Soon-to-be Mommy Day this year ^_^
After this week, I'll be heading to the doctors every week until I deliver Serenity. With only five weeks left in this pregnancy, I still am unsure what lies ahead for both Serenity and me. I try to keep my mind off how stressful I am and how everything will work itself out eventually...but yet at the same time I can't help but be afraid that something will happen and things will all crumble.
Ricky and I...I don't even know how to describe us. I don't even know how to begin to describe us except right now...we're Serenity's parents.
Baby classes are Tuesday and Wednesday and this time I think I'll have to attend it alone. Ricky doesn't want to go...and yet at the same time I really don't wish to go by myself, but I don't have a choice.
Working at Cox is really starting to get stressful on me. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm nervous about going into labor and becoming a mommy...or if other things are factoring into the situation. It's as if things just keep getting worse and worse...and when I think they get better...they just go downhill.
I have never felt excited and nervous all at once.
I'm so looking forward to becoming a mommy. In a sense it kinda frightens me.
Things between her father and I is still where it was before. We're not together and as sad as it seems that is the case, it might be better off that way. Some people are meant to be together and others were meant not. I knew I should have not gotten into a relationship. Now I don't know what I feel.
@ Coffee Call, Nhi & I fiddled with the camera and took pictures. I think the pictures came out really cute ^_^
Lately Serenity and Duckie has been getting acquainted. Her Auntie Nhi & Kristie told me that while I am sleeping in the hospital...they are going to dress Serenity up in a duck suit. Therefore, eversince then, I've associated plenty of duck things to Serenity. I've purchased 2 outfits with duckies on them and gotten her the duck plush. I also went and go some more clothes for her...and I have a co-worker that recently had a baby girl that has been helping me with some 0-3 month clothes for Serenity. Ricky text me one day and said he got clothes for too, but I haven't seen him since Tuesday night...and I havent heard from him since Thursday. So where does that leave us? Simple. Serenity's mommy and daddy. Nothing more. Nothing less. @ least not now. Who knows what the future will hold right?
Things have been slowly getting better for me. Plenty of people are comforting me and for the time being...Not having Ricky a part of my life...it's okay. And I've come to terms with that. Like EVERYONE says...right now it's not about Ricky & I....it's about Serenity. And she's top priority for me right now. Whether or not her father thinks of her...that I don't know. Amazingly as it seems, his friends seems to worry about my well-being and hers more than he does. I don't know. He confuses me. One moment he'll be the person I met and fell in love with....and then he'll the next minute he'll completely ignore me. I'd have more respect for him if he was to answer the phone when I call and tell me that he doesn't want to talk to me rather than ignore me...but we can't have what we always want. He told me he doesn't want to be in the delivery room when Serenity comes...don't know if it's cause he doesn't care...or if he can't handle being in that environment. If that's the case, he might as well head to South Carolina for his sister's wedding. Least he can do is be unselfish and make one of us happy. Not like he's making me happy now O_o
Not seeing him or talking to him was difficult at first. But as Serenity flips and turns in my stomach...it doesn't even matter anymore. Why should we care, if he doesn't. At the rate this is going...if I get the 3d ultrasound, no point in calling him to come. And when I go into labor, no point in calling him either. Maybe after she comes we can call him to come meet her. But than again, why should I call when he knows my number to call and see how we are doing. If he truly cares...he'd call. But since he doesn't call...I guess that would be that he doesn't care?
Not too far into the pregnancy, some people had told me that there is a way that he can be there for the baby and not for me. He recently told me the same thing. And at first I didn't understand it. I mean....until she's born she's a part of me...and then I thought about it. And I guess they are right. He can be there for the baby and not for me. I understand it now. Doctor's appointments, ultrasound, baby classes....if he can be there for the baby and not for me he would attend such appointments. Whether big or small...he would still go. I've got 7 appointments ...2 ultrasounds....and 2 baby classes (scheduled so far). Out of all of this...he's only been to 1 appointment and 1 ultrasound. The first ultrasound was scheduled December 4th @ 8:00 am. He didn't go to it because he couldn't wake up. But yet about a week or two earlier, he was able to get up at 6:00 am and go with his best friend and his little sister to New Orleans for a modeling tryout. Last time I checked, 6 came before 8 O_o The first baby class was held April 8th & 9th. The class basically showed couples how to identify when labor was actually taking place and other comfort measures that support person can assist the mothers. I guess since he didn't care to be in the delivery room there was no point in him going cause on the day of the class, he tells me he didn't like the way I was acting and he didn't go. The next class is being held May 5th & 6th. He claims he'll be attending that one too. This one basically educates us on how to take care of Serenity. When he found out about this class his response was "I already know how to take care of a baby." Who am I to force him into going when he doesn't want to go. It really sucks to walk into the classroom and see all these couples. And I have Julie and not the father of my child. It seems as if everyone but her father seems to show me that they care for her. So far all I've gotten from him is a text message "I got clothes for her."
So with 8 weeks left, I have yet to get my daughter anything. Kinda feel like a bad mother being so unprepared...but then again, I'm still trying to take care of myself.
I really wish I hadn't maxed out all of my credit cards now....oh well...one of life's lessons.
I've come to the conclusion that I should hope for the best and expect the worst when it comes to Serenity's father. It's a shame that there are other people that cares more for the well-being of me and our daughter than her own father. I guess not all girls can be lucky to have that "special guy." And here I thought Ricky was that "special" apparently, I was seeing the wrong "special." He is...just in a totally different light than what anyone would come to expect of him. I really am looking forward to seeing him "change" after Serenity comes (since everyone believes that he'll magically become a father when she pops out...here I was under the impression that when I found out I was pregnant she existed. But hey, who am I to argue with stubborn hardheaded people like her father?)...but as I stated before...I'm hoping for the best...and expecting the worst.
So I had to attend baby classes Tuesday & Wednesday...Ricky was supposed to go with me and at the last minute decided he wasn't going to go. So I invited Julie to attend the class with me. We arrive at the location and we walk into the room and EVERYONE there had their significant other or support person (ie. baby's father) there...and here I was with my best friend. ( Not that I wasn't glad to have someone with me, but it would have been a lot more comfortable if Ricky was there since he is supposedly going to be in the delivery room with me..or not...I dunno what he plans on doing when I go into labor >_< ) Tuesday's class was interesting. They played a video that showed an actually delivery that took place at Woman's Hospital. So those who were in the class had an idea of what took place when we go into labor. They also passed around this plate that showed the different size openings the cervix has to dialate...10 cm...doesn't look so small O_o In a sense I guess I'm scared of what my labor is going to entail...but at the same time I know that once Serenity arrives...every pain that I've been through will all be well worth it.
On Wednesday we went over the different types of sedatives that they offer...All this time I thought that an epidural consisted of a shot, and that was it. Boy was I wrong. They poke along your back...pick a place, inject numbing medicine into your back...then they stick this hollow needle into that hole....and into the needle they stick this flimsy string looking thing...I don't remember what it's called...but after they stick that string thing in, they tape it to your backside. Totally NOT what I expected an epidural to be...Just watching that video just made up my mind that I do not want an epidural.
Sometimes when I go places...I see all these happy couples and here I am...depressed, stressed, totally and utterly clueless at what's going on. I guess some relationships are not meant to be...and Ricky and I fall into that category. Still...Serenity is coming within ten weeks and we are her parents...There are a lot of decisions that I am having to make. I've heard many sides to all the choices and I'm still torn at what needs to be done. There are pros and cons to do and not to do it...and I'm hoping that by the time Serenity arrives, my mind will have made its decision.
Lately I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. Up & down and up & down...I know it's not good for Serenity to go through what I'm going through...and I hate that I am going through all this with Ricky..a.nd it's like she's in the middle...because of me. And because of him. He & I are both to blame for the stress that I am going through...but in a sense I gotta be stronger and try not to worry so much, right? I mean seriously...If I'm hurting...I know that Serenity is feeling the same thing I'm feeling...so she's hurting too.
Aside from the non-relationship that her father and I have...things with my insurance and medicaid is going crazy too! When I first found out I was pregnant I only had medicaid. Cox was still filing the paperwork for my insurance. Apparently at Woman's Hospital...the obgyn visits don't take medicaid as a secondary insurance, so therefore I will be responsible for the out-of-pocket portion of the premiums. So far that adds up to about $956.47...With some more doctor visits to attend to. But on the brightside, there is a program called LAHIP that could possible help with the $956.47 that I have accrued. I'll find out in like a week and half if they are able to help me...I'm praying that they can.
It still amazes me that it takes two people to create a life...and here I am. Alone. By myself. Without him along side me. And for the first time ever since I found out I have a baby growing inside of me, I'm okay without him. Of course, I'd rather if he was here...but with or without him Serenity and I will be okay. As I sit here typing she's got the hiccups. I can feel her bouncing inside of me. I guess after 7 and a half months I finally see that things that I've requested from Ricky was not just for me...but for her as well. And if he refuses than he refuses us. For example, the baby classes...there's one more coming in May that we have to attend and I don't even know if he plans on going to that one...but it's not for me that I ask him to go. It's for her. I'm done fighting for a relationship to blossom between him and me. And I've realized that. A lot of people have it in their heads that he'll change when Serenity comes. I could care less. If he changes...hopefully it'll be for the better. And if he doesn't...I'll still love him. And so will our daughter. With 10 weeks left of this pregnancy and he has yet to show anything towards our daughter...I don't even know what I'm supposed to expect from him when she is here. Once I found out I was pregnant mommy mode kicked in. Prior to me getting a baby bump I could understand that he would be reluctant to realize that there is a baby inside of me...but now, at 31 weeks...you can't look at me and say that I'm not pregnant...who knows. Maybe he's the type of guy that needs to physically see the baby before daddy mode kicks in. I don't know. I just know that after all this time I have trying to see something that is not there. I don't know. If I did...I don't think I would be going through half of the stuff that I am going through :/ Ricky is Serenity's father...and only he can prove to us that he wants to be her father. I just hope that when he realizes that too...it won't be too late.
It amazes me how some guys think that woman are over dramatic, bitchy, and out right annoying.
What amazes me even more is that if these guys knew how to treat their woman properly then maybe we wouldn’t be so over dramatic, bitchy, and out right annoying.
I’m 7 and a half months pregnant and apparently between Serenity’s father and I, only he is having a stressful time.
He’s right.
Our relationship won’t work.
Why? Simple.
I’m too much of a Bitch.
He’s too much of an Inconsiderate Asshole.
I guess this whole journey of trying to make this work really is not worth all the pain and suffering that he’s causing me to go through.
For someone who has a baby growing inside of my belly,
I have never felt more alone than ever.
I just don't get it.
I really don't understand.
I guess I'm stupid for thinking that everything was okay.
come to find out
they all hate me.
And that hurts.
a lot.
I finally get the idea that he does not care for me like I had thought he did...
and I accepted it.
Cause I love him.
and that eventually things will begin to look up for me
only to find out that everything is going the complete opposite direction.
It hurts to know that no one wants you.
And you're forced to go through a life changing event without anyone to constantly be by your side.
I'm trying so hard to be strong.
For Serenity.
For me.
But I can't do it anymore.
I don't know if things would be different if I was not pregnant, but that does not matter.
Cause it doesn't change the fact that I am.
But deep down inside I just wish everything was different.
I can't even smile and be happy without faking it anymore.
I stress out beyond my limit...
I'm scared out of my mind about Serenity and no one is here to help me.
It's not the fact that they don't want to help...
I don't think anyone knows how to help.
I don't even know how to help myself.
So I was driving to babies r us to add more stuff to my registry and "Foolish" by Ashanti came on the radio. It's been ages since I've heard that song! And boy let me tell you...when I did hear it...
listening to the lyrics...somehow, I couldn't help but feel that the relationship that I am currently in...
maybe I'm the "foolish" one.
Then again, I wonder if I can even label what I'm in a relationship.
And on the side that it could be a relationship, I would have no idea how it would be looked at.
It's funny how the two people invovled in a relationship, each see something different.
But yet...everyone else OUTSIDE of the relationship sees something totally different.
I am a hopeless romantic.
Things have to go completely wrong in order for me to give up on a relationship.
There may have been ONE time when I gave up...but for three relationships that I know of, I fought for the relationship to stay alive.
Two are buried...one...sadly, I don't know where the status of that one is.
I have never been one to make my boyfriend change their habits. Not now. Not ever.
If they were into something prior to being with me, I don't expect them to quit it.
I just don't like being left in the dark.
Don't leave me out of things in your life when you claim you love me.
And I guess for some guys that is asking a bit too much.
Eh, who knows. I sure as hell don't know.
For 23 years (going on 24), I still cannot decipher the ways of men.
Is it just me?
Cause apparently everyone else around me is happy and chipper. And me...I'm just...yea.
here.
And sometimes it doesn't even seem like that's the case. *sigh*
Then...there are times when I'm invisible.
Like to him.
Love is complicated...and to have a baby involved makes it even worse >_<
Even though things are slowly not progressing...
I am trying my darnest to keep my mind on the one thing that matters the most to me right now. Serenity...and I feel like I'm not doing her justice cause of all these issues I have going on in my life.
It sucks that she's caught in the midst of my thoughts and emotions.
Mommy is so sorry.
I'm trying baby girl.
I'm trying.
29 weeks has gone by now. And day by day I feel her moving more and more. The initial ultrasound on January 29 stated that the baby I have inside of me is a little girl. I’m hoping that within the next two weeks I’ll be able to have that verified with a 4-d ultrasound. More than likely I’ll have that done...but only time will tell.
My belly is slowly getting bigger and bigger. It’s still kinda hard to believe that little ole me got a belly!
I can rub on my belly now!!! It’s so neat and weird at the same time...
A lot has been going on lately. Mainly things that I am not sure of what the outcome will be. But I have hopes that everything will be okay.
Lately my mind has been overworking.
Things are just getting to the point where I have no idea what I am thinking about anymore.
I find myself being jealous of someone who I do not even know.
And it's not because of the guy that she's with...but more of what they have.
It seems as if what I want...she has with her someone.
So I sit and wonder...
When will it be my turn?
I guess this waiting is a result of past relationships that I stupidly caused to end.
2 long distance relationships back-to-back, down the drain...
and now I have a local boyfriend, a baby on the way
and yet this relationship seems so far from where I was hoping it would be.
I guess my romantic views are starting to take a turn on my mind and it sucks that the way I imagined it is not happening.
Seems to be never ending. And it doesn't help much that the weather can't seem to make up its mind to stay one or the other. Instead it keeps getting worse and my body is having a hard time keeping up with such a change.
The aching body...the horrible mornings...the endless days...things just seems to get worse and worse as time goes on.
This morning I had to be at the hospital to take a gestational diabetes test.
That drink was gross. 10 oz...ewwwww....then I had to walk around...pretty much entertain myself for an hour before they drew my blood.
I wish I knew how pregnancy really is...but even with everyone's advices it still seems as if I'm on my own with this.
Hopefully things will get better.
On a side note, I have yet to take any pictures of my growing belly. If you haven't seen me recently...trust me. It's visible now. No more "You're pregnant?! Where is it?! I don't see it!" Well... you do now. Trust me.
I can feel her moving and at times it's really neat and at times it's really weird. It's just one of those things. I'll be on the phones with the customers and she'll start kicking me and moving. It's funny seeing my belly go round to pointy all because of what she decides to do.
I have NEVER felt the way I am feeling now...And frankly I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. I just wish I knew the reason why I feel the way I feel.
Serenity is starting to kick more often now. It's so weird...neat, but weird all at the same time.
So many things are going through my mind. Like how am I going to be a mommy? Half the people I meet tell me that as time goes by I'll get the hang of it. Is it true? I just wish I knew. In this case, I bet if you give me a handbook on how to be a mommy, I'd still suck. I don't know...This week has been a terrible and emotional rollercoaster for me. So many things are going on...Mommy and Daddy are planning their trip to Vietnam...and it's either going to be right before Serenity's birth...or after. I don't think they are going to be here for her one month celebration. oh well...
I'm approximately 23 weeks...and it is exciting and tiring at the same time.
For those who didn't hear...Ricky and I will be parents to a darling baby girl ^_^ We found out on January 29, 2008...The nurse who was doing the ultrasound asked us if she could see it did we want to know. I was like sure...Ricky was just like whatever...I positioned myself to get the ultrasound, the gel was squirted on my belly (It's getting big now O_o) and when she put that thing (I don't know what it's called) on my belly, we saw the baby magically appear on the screen...Apparently we had a clear shot of our baby girl's *ahem*. She was perfectly positioned for us to see her in all her glory...Apparently she like cuddling up to the right side of the belly...(See...I knew my belly was round on one side and flat on the other side) At 21 weeks, her heart is fully developed along with her spinal cord, her liver, kidneys, brain, thigh bones, you can really see her profile clearly too...She was so adorable...We must of interrupted her sleep cause we were able to see her stretching in my stomach...she even had her hand on her forehead like she's distressed or something...(that's how her daddy sleeps when I bug him) but already like father, like daughter.
Haven't really finalized her name yet...I just know it's going to be crazy long...as of now her name is 25 letters long...still room for change...but yea...
Serenity Thuong Nguyen Lovan
Serenity is a name that I have chosen for my baby girl ever since I was 15 years old...and no one...I repeat...NO ONE will change my mind in naming her Serenity. As far as Nguyen & Lovan that's my last name and Ricky's last name...Thuong is love in Vietnamese...So basically her name translates to calm & peaceful love at least that's my interpretation of her name ^_^ Still debating if my last name will be a part of her last name too...or just her middle name...And then Ricky would like to have another name added to her name too...@ the rate we're going our baby girl won't be able to spell/write out her name until she's 18 >_<
She's been very active. Especially at night. I feel her constantly moving. It feels weird and neat at the same time. I still can't believe I'm carrying a baby in my belly...It feels unreal. I can't wait till she is bigger...I'm looking forward to the restless nights and her learning how to turn and flip inside my belly ^_^ I'm already tired...won't be surprised if I'll be even more tired, but yea...Come June (at the latest...) it will all be worth it when I get to hold Serenity in my arms.
Can't wait!
Oh yes...Serenity & I hope everyone had a great Chinese/Vietnamese New Year and hope that you have a Happy Valentine's Day!!!
Edit: So I've been thinking lately...for the past 23 years of my existence, I've learned something new everyday. Whether it was educational or just completely random facts...I learned something new. And now...20 weeks into my pregnancy...I've come to a conclusion about the one lesson that I have yet to learn..Luckily and unfortunately for me...that one lesson won't be here until June (or so the Doctor's predict).
You kicked Mommy's hand last night again. You kicked more than you did Sunday night. Hopefully when Mommy stays at Daddy's you'll kick to show Daddy. He feels that you are kicking me because he can't. It's a joke between Mommy and Daddy. I am planning on getting a 4D ultrasound done so I can get pictures of you before you actually come into the world. I pray that I do right by you. So many things are going through my head...
So it's been 8 days into the New Year and I've finally taken time out to actually come up with some reasonable resolutions this year.
Not much has been happening. Chopped off my hair. It's now up to my chin...When I actually get into the mood to look somewhat presentable, pictures will be posted. Until then...we'll see what happens. Belly's getting bigger and bigger everyday. I'm still not used to the idea of my belly being bigger than my boobies, but I guess I'll get over it eventually. At least there are no signs of stretch marks yet so I guess that's one thing I can be happy about.
Spent New Year's alone. Had no one to give the New Year's kiss to, so I just sat at home and watched tv with my oldest sister and rubbed my belly...I actually have something to rub now!
Resolutions for the New Year...
1. Budget and Save Money...so far 8 days into the New Year and I'm kinda slacking...no fears! Will be getting back on my feet in due time.
2. Scrapbook more! Seriously...those who knows me knows that I am very passionate about scrapbooking. So this year...especially with the pregnancy, I am totally in dire need of scrapbooking my never-ending pile of photos. Not only that, but with me having a digital camera...yea...the photos continues to be never-ending. Gotta scrapbook some more Disney memorabilia, easter, the family, cruise, the pregnancy...the list just goes on and on.
3. More Nice, Less Bitch & Attitude...that one's gonna be a tough one. But, I'm working on it.
4. Let go of the past...I've come to the conclusion that holding onto every little sentimental thing is not a good thing. So last night I actually took about 2 hours and threw a good bit of memories away. Good, bad, ugly, great...a bit of everything. Chunked. In the garbage.
So far that's as much as I can come up with...Aside from soon becoming a mommy...I am trying so hard not to stress and think too much into something. Is it working? Slowly but surely. So all in all I guess it's not such a bad thing, right? We'll see...*sigh*
Once again Ricky and I got into again and frankly this time I don't think there will be any getting back together with him. Sadly as that sound, I don't know if I can be with him anymore.
Apparently I'm too weak to be his woman...and he's too busy hanging with his boys to be my man.
And somewhere in my days of working and waiting for him I found time to cheat on him...hell I barely have time to sleep so how that came up that I cheated on him....yea...baffles me too
It's okay though.
As much as I may be hurting, I have multiple levels of support that is helping me through this. And I've come to the conclusion...with or without him. I will be okay ^_^
First off my family has been very surprisingly supportive of my decision to follow through with this pregnancy. I think in a sense they are disappointed that the father of the baby does not treat me right, but they are willing to stand by my side and help me through this. Especially Nhi and Kristie...they are constantly trying to tell my baby that they are going to eat him/her up...in a loving way of course...Ooo...and they steal my baby's food!!!
Secondly there are all all of my friends. Julie & Lindy both know what's going on. Then there's Nhat...he drove here to check up on me...very thoughtful of him ^_^ But I'm stuck at work so I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. He, Julie, and Hum came with me to the doctor's appointment. They waited in the room for about 2 hours with me...But that's what true friends are for. Julie was there when I heard the baby's heart beat...She was there when I got my first ultrasound...Ricky wasn't even there when I found out I was pregnant...Even after I called him and informed him of the news...
It's a shame that my ex-boyfriend, my best friend, and her husband came with me to the doctor's appointment and the baby's daddy didn't even make an attempt. I tell him ALL appointment times that I have been scheduled. Everytime I tell him, I get the same response. "Okay, I'll let my manager know that I need that day off." When that day comes around...It never fails...he doesn't go.
Apparently 8:00 AM is too early for him to wake up and accompany me to the doctor for our baby's sake. But yet, when his boy takes his little sister to New Orleans at 6:00 AM for a modeling tryout he's able to wake up and go as if it's nothing. Am I seriously missing out on something?!?!? I'm pregnant with OUR child and you can't wake up to go and see the development of OUR child at 8:00 AM cause it's too early, but yet you can go with your boy to New Orleans TWO HOURS before the time of our child's appointment...someone please help me out here!
As upset and disappointed in him as I am...I've defended him whenever anyone talked bad against him. Maybe he's right. I am a bad girlfriend. I mean all I do is go to work and come home and wait for him to get home from his boys house. I didn't realize wanting to spend time with someone I loved was a bad thing. I guess I've come to terms that I've been grasping for something that is no longer there. The love, passion, and care that he and I experienced at the beginning of our relationship (that's how ALL relationships start off) is no longer there. All that's left is hatred. As many of my peers has advised to me...time to let it go. And slowly, day by day (today is day 2) I am. It's not as easy as everyone makes it. No matter how much it's hurting me the way he treats me...I still care and love him. And more than anything if there is hope that this will work...I want it too. But there's no point in wanting that if he doesn't, right? I'm just setting myself up for disappointment...
In an attempt to speak to his sister about his actions...she responds to me that there is a way for him to be there for the baby but not for the mother. Is that really true cause last time I checked, the mommy carries the baby and then gives birth to the baby, so how can it be that he can be there for the baby...but not the mommy? Someone explain that to me. No one has no idea on how extensive the hurt I've endured ever since I've discovered I was pregnant. When I found out that I was expecting, he didn't speak to me for 2 days. Claims it was anxiety. Maybe I'm old fashioned and a romantic but somewhere along the way I thought that being involved in a relationship with someone you share your hopes, dreams, hurt, and expectations...whether good or bad with each other. So when did relationships start making you feel like shiet? I don't believe that it's fair to the mother or the child that throughout the pregnancy the father is not there to support the mother through the journey. You can't jump into daddy mode when the baby pops out...once you know that there is a life growing...you should know that there is a lifetime of responsibility that is awaiting for you in nine months. And somewhere in my itty bitty brain I was hoping that Ricky would see that...but the only thing he sees his spending time with his boys.
Before I found out about the pregnancy I could have cared less if he hanged with them...but now that I'm pregnant, I can't help but feel that he's choosing them over me and the baby...
There are so many things that are going through my mind now...Ricky had a boys name picked out and the baby was supposed to have his last name...and now...I really don't care to have the baby carry his last name. I'm hurt and upset that at this moment...I really have no wish to see him or even to have him in the room when the baby is born. That may be wrong of me for doing that...but if you are in my shoes...then you'd know why I feel that way.
