Totally Unexpected

Thursday April 10, 2008

Totally Unexpected

So I had to attend baby classes Tuesday & Wednesday...Ricky was supposed to go with me and at the last minute decided he wasn't going to go. So I invited Julie to attend the class with me. We arrive at the location and we walk into the room and EVERYONE there had their significant other or support person (ie. baby's father) there...and here I was with my best friend. ( Not that I wasn't glad to have someone with me, but it would have been a lot more comfortable if Ricky was there since he is supposedly going to be in the delivery room with me..or not...I dunno what he plans on doing when I go into labor >_< ) Tuesday's class was interesting. They played a video that showed an actually delivery that took place at Woman's Hospital. So those who were in the class had an idea of what took place when we go into labor. They also passed around this plate that showed the different size openings the cervix has to dialate...10 cm...doesn't look so small O_o In a sense I guess I'm scared of what my labor is going to entail...but at the same time I know that once Serenity arrives...every pain that I've been through will all be well worth it.

On Wednesday we went over the different types of sedatives that they offer...All this time I thought that an epidural consisted of a shot, and that was it. Boy was I wrong. They poke along your back...pick a place, inject numbing medicine into your back...then they stick this hollow needle into that hole....and into the needle they stick this flimsy string looking thing...I don't remember what it's called...but after they stick that string thing in, they tape it to your backside. Totally NOT what I expected an epidural to be...Just watching that video just made up my mind that I do not want an epidural.

Sometimes when I go places...I see all these happy couples and here I am...depressed, stressed, totally and utterly clueless at what's going on. I guess some relationships are not meant to be...and Ricky and I fall into that category. Still...Serenity is coming within ten weeks and we are her parents...There are a lot of decisions that I am having to make. I've heard many sides to all the choices and I'm still torn at what needs to be done. There are pros and cons to do and not to do it...and I'm hoping that by the time Serenity arrives, my mind will have made its decision.

Lately I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. Up & down and up & down...I know it's not good for Serenity to go through what I'm going through...and I hate that I am going through all this with Ricky..a.nd it's like she's in the middle...because of me. And because of him. He & I are both to blame for the stress that I am going through...but in a sense I gotta be stronger and try not to worry so much, right? I mean seriously...If I'm hurting...I know that Serenity is feeling the same thing I'm feeling...so she's hurting too.

Aside from the non-relationship that her father and I have...things with my insurance and medicaid is going crazy too! When I first found out I was pregnant I only had medicaid. Cox was still filing the paperwork for my insurance. Apparently at Woman's Hospital...the obgyn visits don't take medicaid as a secondary insurance, so therefore I will be responsible for the out-of-pocket portion of the premiums. So far that adds up to about $956.47...With some more doctor visits to attend to. But on the brightside, there is a program called LAHIP that could possible help with the $956.47 that I have accrued. I'll find out in like a week and half if they are able to help me...I'm praying that they can.

It still amazes me that it takes two people to create a life...and here I am. Alone. By myself. Without him along side me. And for the first time ever since I found out I have a baby growing inside of me, I'm okay without him. Of course, I'd rather if he was here...but with or without him Serenity and I will be okay. As I sit here typing she's got the hiccups. I can feel her bouncing inside of me. I guess after 7 and a half months I finally see that things that I've requested from Ricky was not just for me...but for her as well. And if he refuses than he refuses us. For example, the baby classes...there's one more coming in May that we have to attend and I don't even know if he plans on going to that one...but it's not for me that I ask him to go. It's for her. I'm done fighting for a relationship to blossom between him and me. And I've realized that. A lot of people have it in their heads that he'll change when Serenity comes. I could care less. If he changes...hopefully it'll be for the better. And if he doesn't...I'll still love him. And so will our daughter. With 10 weeks left of this pregnancy and he has yet to show anything towards our daughter...I don't even know what I'm supposed to expect from him when she is here. Once I found out I was pregnant mommy mode kicked in. Prior to me getting a baby bump I could understand that he would be reluctant to realize that there is a baby inside of me...but now, at 31 weeks...you can't look at me and say that I'm not pregnant...who knows. Maybe he's the type of guy that needs to physically see the baby before daddy mode kicks in. I don't know. I just know that after all this time I have trying to see something that is not there. I don't know. If I did...I don't think I would be going through half of the stuff that I am going through :/ Ricky is Serenity's father...and only he can prove to us that he wants to be her father. I just hope that when he realizes that too...it won't be too late.