Benefit of the doubt...

Saturday May 17, 2008

Benefit of the doubt...

The time is almost here...
I'm going to be a mommy.
Kinda scary.
Exciting.
It's a melting pot of emotions all in one.
I checked my facebook today...and one of my friends gave me some very interesting advice...

So...I've been thinking...it's funny...i've been thinking alot about you lately...about how you been...how you are now...how's serenity...and always keeping up to date with your updates thru xanga/myspace/facebook... you know what i was thinking today???

I was thinking... every kid deserves a mommy and a daddy... every kid.. no matter if it's a good or bad kid.. every kid deserves one as they grow up... but of course there are always exceptions.. why would you want to put serenity through a child hood of regrets/denial/neglect/broken promises??? If Ricky does not show any concern or enthusiasm or anything right now (except apathy), as she is growing inside of you, what makes you think that he will once she comes out onto this horrifying world we live in?? If he did not care about you but still cared for the baybee, that's a different story.. but he doesn't even care if she's growing probably inside of you.. he doesn't care if she's enough weight so she won't end up in NICU.. he doesn't even call to make sure that you're probably taking good care of yourself in order for nothing to happen to her.. in my opinion (and you know how much you "love" them), don't tell Ricky anything.. if he wants to know, he'll ask... don't tell him when you're at the hospital going into labor.. don't tell him if something is wrong.. don't tell him if something is good.. don't tell him anything.. you are ALWAYS there telling him what's going on and waht's up... give him a chance to see if he does truly care or not.. EVEN BETTER.. pretend he never existed and this child was out of "turkey basting"..

look.. i know you well enough to know that you wanted a daughter more than anything in this world ever since you were young.. you even had the names picked up since FOREVER... and you know waht i think???..... sure you might have some financial difficulties taking care of Serenity... sure there are certain times it will be hard.. and there are certain times that you wish things were different... and who knows.. maybe your parenting skills won't be that great either... BUT... i know for a FACT that you will love her like no other.. i know without a doubt that when you see her take her first breath, nothing else in the world will matter but her.. and that you are willing to do everything in your power to show Serenity that she is loved beyond anything she will ever be able to understand.. and until the day you die, i'm pretty sure you will still continue showing her.. and that's the only thing that is important..

Look.. hunni... all i'm trying to say is that>>>> stop stressing... your stress is taking its toll on your lil baybee.. maybe it wasn't meant to be between you and ricky... if it is meant to be, then time will have to play itself out... but for the moment, your concern should not involve ricky what-so-ever.. for your baybee's sake.. take care of yourself.. eat like crazy.. take your folic acid.. take your calcium.. take your vitamins... "nursing student's order"... lolz..

you get what im trying to say???

I've thought about it. The whole not calling him and telling him anything. I've even been at the point where I don't even care to have him in the delivery room...which I won't have have to worry about because he's choosing not to be in the delivery room...But honestly I just don't have the heart to do it. I can be a bitch just as much as the next girl...and frankly it's something that everyone has to deal with. Maybe the reason why I decided to do it like this is so that NO ONE can say that I never told Ricky about anything...I DID tell him...and he chose not to be a part of it.

Everyone is very concerned about my well being...everyone but him. And I'm okay cause I know that I'm not alone. Everyone thinks that Ricky is a horrible person. Here I am...stupid as I am STILL sticking up for him and constantly reassuring myself that he needs to see Serenity to realize that she's real. And that by some miracle he'll get his life together and for the better. But yet at the same time so many people care for me...and they are just my friends. No ties, no attachments to me or Serenity and yet they care fore me & Serenity more than Ricky is ever showing. and honestly I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he does get his life together...not for me...for Serenity.

It's taken me about 7 & 1/2 months to realize that I don't need him to care for me or to love me to be happy. It would be an added bonus, yes...but he's not someone that I need. Someone I want, yes...because I do love him...but far from someone that I need. No one can say that I never gave him the chance to show me how he can be. I've seen enough. And from what I've seen...I can't help but believe I'm better off without.

Anyone whose been pregnant can vouch that the feeling you get when your baby moves inside you makes everything just vanish. That's what I keep reminding myself. Everytime Serenity moves...I know that we will be fine. With or without him. I refuse to let him get to me. He makes his decisions...and I've made mine. If it works out between us than all the better, but if it doesn't...we are still Serenity's parents. And NO ONE can take my mommy status away from Serenity.