Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Serenity may be coming early... I finally fell asleep only to be roused awake by a text message from Ricky. And now I can 't sleep. Went to the doctors yesterday and he told me that I'm still small for where I am in the pregnancy and we're going to have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see how much Serenity has grown. As of last week, she is 4.5 lbs. Doctor says that if she doesn't gain more weight, he's going to induce my labor. Don't really know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. She's dropped into position...but I've yet to dilate. However, I do know that within the past 2 weeks, I've gained 8 lbs...I'm guessing it's water weight...hopefully a lb or two is Serenity...After I left the doctor's office I called Mommy and told her. She had me show her my belly. She said that my belly has dropped...really dropped. Honestly, I can barely tell....I look down and I see belly. After I saw Mommy, I stopped by to see Ricky and let him know that Serenity may be coming sooner than expected...he didn't say much of anything, more like he gave me a look of "wtf are you doing here." This pregnancy really proved to me that things don't always go as you expect...Other events in my life showed me that too...but none of them shed the light for me like this one. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought that I would be with the person who loved me and that we'd be this one happy couple enjoying the journey into parenthood together. Every night before bed, I'd get to see him talk to the baby and rub my belly...The little time that I did stay with Ricky during the pregnancy, he really never attempted to do any of it. I guess my expectations of him and how he acts towards me is too high and it's my fault that I keep letting myself in that position to where he can hurt me. I love him. I always will. And yet somehow I feel that's my downfall. How can someone we love hurt us so much and not care? Why do we still love someone when they constantly hurt us? I ask myself these questions so many times throughout this pregnancy...and even now I still can't answer them. This pregnancy has been tough for the both of us...and I'm so confused at what's going on...so I made a decision and only one person holds my heart. Serenity. And as much as I love Ricky...I don't want to risk getting hurt all over again because of him. Who knows...as of now...after everything that's happened between us, I just don't want to experience that feeling anymore... From now on...all that matters is me & my baby girl.