Sunday, October 24, 2010  

Nothing I do Seems to Be Right

 I work Monday - Friday from 8 AM - 8 PM

I have Saturdays and Sundays off that I spend with Serenity during the day and night time I take time for my self occasionally.

I went through elementary, middle, and high school where no one really gave a rats ass about me because there were others they worried about more than me.

I left for Disney and had the best and worst experience of my life there and came home,
still went to work full time and school full time...

I graduated from college with NO ONE from family being there to cheer me on as I walked across the stage.
But it didnt matter, cause no matter what I do it's never right

I have a stable job that pays my bills.
My parents offer to help me with Serenity and then they hold it over my head saying I'm not a good enough mother.
It's funny though cause others will leave their child with others and fly out of town for a weekend and they dont say shit...but its always me.

It's funny all you see is what I dont do for Serenity. But do you see what I am doing for my daughter?
I didnt drop out of college when i found out i was pregnant.
I was the first in our family to graduate from college....
I continued to work both Cox and the poboy shop and IN school the entire time.
I went through ups and downs with Ricky and oddly enough the people I needed to comfort me the most was the one who sat there and criticize me and bitch at me.
There was no, it'll be okay. There was you're stupid. Why him when he cant treat you right. Why cant you say the good things?
Do you always have to point out the bad? Do you think I'm that stupid to NOT see it? Everyone is a saint and does everything right but me. I'm the worst there ever is.

I finally see it.  I am not the best daughter in the world. I'm the crappiest mother that ever lived...and frankly...I can say sorry for the rest of my life...and you won't give a care.
So why say sorry for?
Serenity cries and I try to comfort her, and she doesnt stop crying.
So you think you can do better...you take her and guess what she still cries.
Babies didnt come with a booklet of instructions....life didn't come with a booklet of instructions.
I never said anything about all the times you were never there for me...
so why would you sit there and say shit to me like you know what is going through my life.

No one has any idea what is going through my head or everything i've been through in my life.
No one knows what happened...no one understands my decisions...
and frankly i'm not asking anyone to understand my decision.

its sucks that outsiders can see me hurting and ask me whats wrong and yet some thinks im just being overdramatic.

i'm a bitch. i'll be the first to admit.
but until youve been through what ive been through
made the decisions ive made...who are you to judge?

everyone has lived a tough life...others handle it differently.

sorry i dont handle it the way you do
sorry i dont have the dreams and goals that you have for me
sorry i'm not the perfect daughter or sibling
sorry im not the perfect mother to my daughter
but mostly, sorry for not giving a rats ass cause you dont give a rats ass about me.
whats worst...you dont even see it.
funny how life works out.