He Should Do Better for You

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Dear Serenity,
It is now 3:40 AM and Mommy is having a horrible time trying to sleep.
You on the other hand, have been wonderfully sleeping in your own room. For most of the time. And as long as we make that effort, I'm fine.

For the past few weeks you've been coughing and in your sleep, sometimes you would spit up.
This also happened while you were with your father.
However, yesterday he texted me and asked me how you were doing. And then he proceeds to ask me if I am allowing you to throw up on yourself. Nice of your father, isn't it?
So I replied, letting him know that you have gotten better. You were still coughing every now and then, And since he owed you some more money I asked if he has it.  He told me no. And told me to call the police.  Actually, let me quote you directly what was he text to me...

No I don't have it yet. You can call the police if you like I don't mind.

I'm wondering if he realizes that if that happens, he won't see you.  Last I heard, he had a job interview with De'Angelos. Don't know if he was hired or what, but I won't be surprised it he isn't.
I just don't understand what is going on in your father's head.
Does he want to be a part of your life and not do anything that involves financially take care of you?
He's not impaired in any way to the point where he can't work, your grandmother is helping out with living expenses, but yet he still can't get any money together for you?
I just wish I knew what is on his mind. Better yet, I wish he'd make up his mind.
He says that I moved on with no regards to his feelings. Hell, he treated us like shit with no regards to our feelings for the majority of the time we were together...Is it bad that I have no sympathy towards your father? He says he loves you, and as I'm pretty sure I've stated before, I have no doubt that he does...but how can you claim you love your child, and go for so long without wanting to know how your child is doing? That is one thing that I can never forgive your father for doing that to you. For 9 months he wanted nothing to do with you. So he came back for 2 months and everything some what went back to normal...and then the same thing. Seemed like he only wanted to be around when it was convenient for him and any child deserves better than that.  I can assure you baby girl, no matter what may happen, NO ONE will ever make it to where I will not be able to see you.  I will fight for it till my last breath.  I would have figured that if your father loves you like he claims, he would want to do more for you.  But I guess not. 

I am sorry Baby girl. I hope that when you grow up, you realize that I have been doing my best when it comes to you.  I wish that I could get you everything you want and more, but right now, times are very rough for me.  Maybe it's cause I see what I have done for you and what he has NOT done for you and it makes me feel that he should do better.  It's kinda funny though because when I initially told him that in order for him to see you without me, he would need to have it court ordered, he told me that he would rather go have a child with someone else and be a father to THAT child.  When I see that happen, I'll believe it.  He can't even be a proper father to his one child now, and he wanted to have another child? I will never understand that.  But I guess that's not something for me to understand. Maybe one day I will get lucky and I will get it, but I think that will be impossible. It's a shame your father can't get your name right either.  Your last name is Nguyen. Not Lovan. He needs to get that etched into his head somewhere.

This accident I got into has been kicking me in the behind, and all I can say is THANK GOD you were not in the car with that morning.  Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if you were in the car with me.  It's just bad that I have the tendency to think worst case scenarios :( 

On the upside, we driving to Daddy Moon's house and you and I recited the WHOLE alphabet! I think I am going to start working with you a few hours every evening with letter recognition and numbers. We can start with letters first. Every week we can do one letter. Help Mommy get a head start on her teaching skills :)

Mommy loves you Serenity.

Hugs and kisses,
Forever and always,
Mommy