Happiness seems so far away...
Everyday seems to go by slower and slower than the previous.
I have so many thoughts running through my head...and no one seems to understand why. Half the time I'm still trying to figure out why those thoughts are running through my mind.
I've been working full time at Cox and then helping my sister at the po-boy shop. I'm so worn out and tired and I don't know if it's due to the fact that I'm just not physically fit to work the way I am working, or if it's in regards to the pregnancy. On top of that...even though I'm trying my best to help out in any way...it's as if all I end up doing is making it worse.
I have no idea what is going through Ricky's mind when it comes to this relationship or even to this baby. He says one thing, and his actions says another. But then again, that's how everyone is at one time or another. Like he says on his myspace...In life you make choices and you don't look back...so if you don't look back then you gotta look forward, right? But how is it that you are to look forward...when it's nothing but rain clouds and despair? So many people have their own opinions when this pregnancy is concerned...
-why am I keeping this child?
-am I going to be able to support this child?
-who is going to take care of the baby when I go back to work?
-Is Ricky going to be around to help?
-why do i stress out so much?
-boy or girl?
-am I sure keeping this child is the right thing?
-what if i fail?
-what if i end up being a horrible mother?
-are you eating enough?
-are you resting enough?
-are you getting enough nutrients?
Funny thing is everyone fails to realize that I've thought it through. At this moment in time I'm just taking one day at a time and pray that things will fall into place.
As far as the relationship between Ricky and I is concerned, I know that we end up being at ends with each other more often than not...but at the same time I've come to a conclusion. with OR without him...I will be okay. Of course I'd rather be with him because I do love and care for him. I just sometimes wonder if the feeling is mutual. That is something I will never get to understand. Luckily, I've got the support of many friends and family and most importantly...I have myself. If you can't depend on yourself...who will depend on you. I have an appointment on Monday morning with the doctor. Hopefully they may be able to tell me the sex of the baby. I'm not sure if they are going to be doing an ultrasound...but I guess we'll see. Well it's getting late...and I have work in the morning.
Hope everyone has sweet dreams...
Kay & Baby
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