Hello Baby!

January 17, 2008

You kicked Mommy's hand last night again.  You kicked more than you did Sunday night.  Hopefully when Mommy stays at Daddy's you'll kick to show Daddy.  He feels that you are kicking me because he can't.  It's a joke between Mommy and Daddy.  I am planning on getting a 4D ultrasound done so I can get pictures of you before you actually come into the world.  I pray that I do right by you.  So many things are going through my head...

8 days into the New Year...Resolutions

Tuesday January 8, 2008

8 days into the New Year...Resolutions

So it's been 8 days into the New Year and I've finally taken time out to actually come up with some reasonable resolutions this year.

Not much has been happening. Chopped off my hair. It's now up to my chin...When I actually get into the mood to look somewhat presentable, pictures will be posted. Until then...we'll see what happens. Belly's getting bigger and bigger everyday. I'm still not used to the idea of my belly being bigger than my boobies, but I guess I'll get over it eventually. At least there are no signs of stretch marks yet so I guess that's one thing I can be happy about.

Spent New Year's alone. Had no one to give the New Year's kiss to, so I just sat at home and watched tv with my oldest sister and rubbed my belly...I actually have something to rub now!

Resolutions for the New Year...
1. Budget and Save Money...so far 8 days into the New Year and I'm kinda slacking...no fears! Will be getting back on my feet in due time.
2. Scrapbook more! Seriously...those who knows me knows that I am very passionate about scrapbooking. So this year...especially with the pregnancy, I am totally in dire need of scrapbooking my never-ending pile of photos. Not only that, but with me having a digital camera...yea...the photos continues to be never-ending. Gotta scrapbook some more Disney memorabilia, easter, the family, cruise, the pregnancy...the list just goes on and on.
3. More Nice, Less Bitch & Attitude...that one's gonna be a tough one. But, I'm working on it.
4. Let go of the past...I've come to the conclusion that holding onto every little sentimental thing is not a good thing. So last night I actually took about 2 hours and threw a good bit of memories away. Good, bad, ugly, great...a bit of everything. Chunked. In the garbage.

So far that's as much as I can come up with...Aside from soon becoming a mommy...I am trying so hard not to stress and think too much into something. Is it working? Slowly but surely. So all in all I guess it's not such a bad thing, right? We'll see...*sigh*

Day 2 of No Baby Daddy Drama

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Day 2 of No Baby Daddy Drama

So Saturday night was an eventful night.

Once again Ricky and I got into again and frankly this time I don't think there will be any getting back together with him. Sadly as that sound, I don't know if I can be with him anymore.
Apparently I'm too weak to be his woman...and he's too busy hanging with his boys to be my man.
And somewhere in my days of working and waiting for him I found time to cheat on him...hell I barely have time to sleep so how that came up that I cheated on him....yea...baffles me too
It's okay though.
As much as I may be hurting, I have multiple levels of support that is helping me through this. And I've come to the conclusion...with or without him. I will be okay ^_^

First off my family has been very surprisingly supportive of my decision to follow through with this pregnancy. I think in a sense they are disappointed that the father of the baby does not treat me right, but they are willing to stand by my side and help me through this. Especially Nhi and Kristie...they are constantly trying to tell my baby that they are going to eat him/her up...in a loving way of course...Ooo...and they steal my baby's food!!!
Secondly there are all all of my friends. Julie & Lindy both know what's going on. Then there's Nhat...he drove here to check up on me...very thoughtful of him ^_^ But I'm stuck at work so I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. He, Julie, and Hum came with me to the doctor's appointment. They waited in the room for about 2 hours with me...But that's what true friends are for. Julie was there when I heard the baby's heart beat...She was there when I got my first ultrasound...Ricky wasn't even there when I found out I was pregnant...Even after I called him and informed him of the news...

It's a shame that my ex-boyfriend, my best friend, and her husband came with me to the doctor's appointment and the baby's daddy didn't even make an attempt. I tell him ALL appointment times that I have been scheduled. Everytime I tell him, I get the same response. "Okay, I'll let my manager know that I need that day off." When that day comes around...It never fails...he doesn't go.

Apparently 8:00 AM is too early for him to wake up and accompany me to the doctor for our baby's sake. But yet, when his boy takes his little sister to New Orleans at 6:00 AM for a modeling tryout he's able to wake up and go as if it's nothing. Am I seriously missing out on something?!?!? I'm pregnant with OUR child and you can't wake up to go and see the development of OUR child at 8:00 AM cause it's too early, but yet you can go with your boy to New Orleans TWO HOURS before the time of our child's appointment...someone please help me out here!

As upset and disappointed in him as I am...I've defended him whenever anyone talked bad against him. Maybe he's right. I am a bad girlfriend. I mean all I do is go to work and come home and wait for him to get home from his boys house. I didn't realize wanting to spend time with someone I loved was a bad thing. I guess I've come to terms that I've been grasping for something that is no longer there. The love, passion, and care that he and I experienced at the beginning of our relationship (that's how ALL relationships start off) is no longer there. All that's left is hatred. As many of my peers has advised to me...time to let it go. And slowly, day by day (today is day 2) I am. It's not as easy as everyone makes it. No matter how much it's hurting me the way he treats me...I still care and love him. And more than anything if there is hope that this will work...I want it too. But there's no point in wanting that if he doesn't, right? I'm just setting myself up for disappointment...

In an attempt to speak to his sister about his actions...she responds to me that there is a way for him to be there for the baby but not for the mother. Is that really true cause last time I checked, the mommy carries the baby and then gives birth to the baby, so how can it be that he can be there for the baby...but not the mommy? Someone explain that to me. No one has no idea on how extensive the hurt I've endured ever since I've discovered I was pregnant. When I found out that I was expecting, he didn't speak to me for 2 days. Claims it was anxiety. Maybe I'm old fashioned and a romantic but somewhere along the way I thought that being involved in a relationship with someone you share your hopes, dreams, hurt, and expectations...whether good or bad with each other. So when did relationships start making you feel like shiet? I don't believe that it's fair to the mother or the child that throughout the pregnancy the father is not there to support the mother through the journey. You can't jump into daddy mode when the baby pops out...once you know that there is a life growing...you should know that there is a lifetime of responsibility that is awaiting for you in nine months. And somewhere in my itty bitty brain I was hoping that Ricky would see that...but the only thing he sees his spending time with his boys.

Before I found out about the pregnancy I could have cared less if he hanged with them...but now that I'm pregnant, I can't help but feel that he's choosing them over me and the baby...

There are so many things that are going through my mind now...Ricky had a boys name picked out and the baby was supposed to have his last name...and now...I really don't care to have the baby carry his last name. I'm hurt and upset that at this moment...I really have no wish to see him or even to have him in the room when the baby is born. That may be wrong of me for doing that...but if you are in my shoes...then you'd know why I feel that way.

December 30, 2007

Hello my baby!
Mommy has something to tell you.  And mommy does not plan on telling this to anyone else but you.  Only you are going to know the true feelings that your daddy feels for me.  If anyone else knows this, they will never allow me to go and make us a family.  I guess that's more of a reson for me to say something to others.  Do you know through, Mommy's ex boyfriend (Nhat) has been a great friend.  Even though he's not my boyfriend anymore.  I know if anything is bothering me, I can go to Nhat and he can calm me down.  Your father on the other hand, mostly makes it worse for me.  Your father thinks that I cheated on him.  I didn't, but I can't change the way your father feels.  He feels that I'm weak and that I'm not going to be a good mother.  Little does he know, I am going to be a better Mommy to you than he will be a father.  Mommy's had a few doctor's appointments that your father said he would come with me.  The day came and he never goes.  False hope huh Baby?  Don't worry.  No matter what happens with your father and I, you will always have me.  Not only that, but you'll also have Auntie Mommy and Daddy Martin, Uncle Timmy and Auntie Oanh, we don't know about your Auntie Emaly....but you have your Auntie Nhi.  I think in a sense you Auntie Nhi is more excited about you than I am.  Ha ha!   Not even here and you are already loved by so many.  Julie, Lindy, Mrs. Latimer, Mr. Morgan - So many people who has never met you, loves you.  Especially me!   No one will ever take you away from me.  I promise.  Especially not your father.  I'm sorry! Everything is happening like this.  Just know that you are loved.  It may not be from the people that I would want to love you, but it's okay.  We all care for you one way or another.

Love always,

Mommy

Happiness seems so far away...

Saturday December 29, 2007

Happiness seems so far away...

Everyone told me that the first three months are the hardest. Then it's supposed to get better. Already a month into my 2nd trimester, and I don't feel anything getting better. I find myself smiling on the outside but deep down all I really wanna do is cry. The people you expected to be there to make you smile and tell you that everything will be okay end up being the ones who is making you cry. So what are you supposed to do?
Everyday seems to go by slower and slower than the previous.

I have so many thoughts running through my head...and no one seems to understand why. Half the time I'm still trying to figure out why those thoughts are running through my mind.

I've been working full time at Cox and then helping my sister at the po-boy shop. I'm so worn out and tired and I don't know if it's due to the fact that I'm just not physically fit to work the way I am working, or if it's in regards to the pregnancy. On top of that...even though I'm trying my best to help out in any way...it's as if all I end up doing is making it worse.

I have no idea what is going through Ricky's mind when it comes to this relationship or even to this baby. He says one thing, and his actions says another. But then again, that's how everyone is at one time or another. Like he says on his myspace...In life you make choices and you don't look back...so if you don't look back then you gotta look forward, right? But how is it that you are to look forward...when it's nothing but rain clouds and despair? So many people have their own opinions when this pregnancy is concerned...

-why am I keeping this child?
-am I going to be able to support this child?
-who is going to take care of the baby when I go back to work?
-Is Ricky going to be around to help?
-why do i stress out so much?
-boy or girl?
-am I sure keeping this child is the right thing?
-what if i fail?
-what if i end up being a horrible mother?
-are you eating enough?
-are you resting enough?
-are you getting enough nutrients?

Funny thing is everyone fails to realize that I've thought it through. At this moment in time I'm just taking one day at a time and pray that things will fall into place.
As far as the relationship between Ricky and I is concerned, I know that we end up being at ends with each other more often than not...but at the same time I've come to a conclusion. with OR without him...I will be okay. Of course I'd rather be with him because I do love and care for him. I just sometimes wonder if the feeling is mutual. That is something I will never get to understand. Luckily, I've got the support of many friends and family and most importantly...I have myself. If you can't depend on yourself...who will depend on you. I have an appointment on Monday morning with the doctor. Hopefully they may be able to tell me the sex of the baby. I'm not sure if they are going to be doing an ultrasound...but I guess we'll see. Well it's getting late...and I have work in the morning.

Hope everyone has sweet dreams...

Kay & Baby

Merry Christmas Baby!

It's my 1st Christmas with you! While you're in my tummy...next year...it'll be your first Christmas!  By that time I'll get to hold you in my arms...hug you and kiss you! Along with everyone else too!  Funny huh? Technically, I'm at the end of my fourth month...five more months to go! Mommy's got a doctor's appointment Monday at 9:15 AM.  Hopefully you are developing along.  I'm so scared that I'm not eating right for the both of us.  More for you than me.  I just hope its enough nutrients for you.  I need to get on the WIC program. Start saving up the formula for you.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Boy or Girl??? What's all happened so far? Simple. I've graduated from college! (only took me five years and over 20k in tuition) and I'll be a mommy...so without futher ado... Everyone...meet  my bundle of joy.  (I am thinking of him/her as a graduation gift to myself) 3 months in counting.... So many thoughts and emotions are running through my mind.  I just wish I knew what it all means...